Today was a tough day. The kids woke up much too early and were cranky. They were not interested in colouring or doing lego and just wanted to watch TV. Their mother felt the same way, except my ‘drug’ of choice was mindless internet surfing (internet gossip site about some blogger…first and foremost from a spiritual standpoint I should never read that stuff….). It is quite possible my attitude of wanting to disengage and unplug was feeding into theirs.
I feel like such a failure when all the kids do is watch TV on such a beautiful day. It is not even like a carefully curated some interesting shows about things they would want to learn about. Then we mangled a bunch of bananas, mangoes and apples in the name of creating some desserts for father and grandfather….and I felt like a bad mother for letting them waste food and make messes that they don’t end up cleaning up. I wish I could just celebrate their curiosity and interests and drive but still balance that with the expectation that we all clean up together, etc. Right now I’m not doing either.There are so many negative voices in my head about what a terrible mother I am…and that just wears me down by the end of the day.
So by about 4:30, I had about enough of all this and was just doing a countdown till hubby came. In the past, I have coped so much with warm apple pies from Mickey Dees and the like. I am tempted to run away to those as usual….but then I think, those things go down SO easy….I barely taste them….even if I buy 4 of them….it is never enough when I feel this way. I have to remember the feeling better from turning to sugar literally only lasts for the minute or two the sugar is in my mouth. After that, I still haven’t dealt with my problem AND now I’ve broken trust with myself and injested things that don’t make me feel good physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. Not a good choice.
Today I’m going to eat of God’s word instead.
(btw – weight yesterday was 167…., December 1 – 164 booooo)