Everyone is sleeping and I was laying awake when suddenly I thought of the delicious roasted, spiced cashews I had been gifted with earlier today.
Me want cashews.
But where will this end? Back in the infinity loop of insanity and frustration of my almost 40 years. Lose 2 pounds, gain 1 pound, lose 1 pound, gain 4….ad nauseum. Rinse and repeat, welcome to my boring, navel gazing no real problems having life.
3 things are stopping me from running downstairs and filling the gullet with tasty cashews:
- Promise to my husband: I promised him I would not have anymore after breaking them out after dinner. Integrity in even the littlest things matter. They matter A LOT. I find when I am in the grip of food addiction, integrity goes out the window. I have lied to my husband many times about food (and then confessed eventually- most of the time…) I just do not want to be that kind of person. God did not give me Jesus for me to live such a low, flesh-based life.
- Taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8) For some reason this scripture has been resonating in me the last 2-3 days. I was listening/reading spiritual resources about overcoming addictions and one thing that stood out to me is that I need to fill up on God first, not so much focus on developing control around food/learning to say no to it. When I was tempted by desserts at a social gathering today (melted ice cream (my fave!), cheesecake), I repeated this passage to myself and it focused me back on my goal: to know the sweetness of God, to be filled by God. It was the same tonight.
- Writing a blog post: I have said it before and I will say it again, writing is so therapeutic for me. Just thinking that I could get up and just write a blog post really steered me clear from the midnight snack idea. It gave me something else to look forward to instead of just a food high…(which leads me to think I may be a little bored…but that is a story for another post). I wish I could remember to write (and have the space and time to write) every time food havoc is on the horizon.
Bottom line, I am happy to report that I am no longer craving those cashews. Mission accomplished. Good night 🙂