Yesterday I wanted to go to a Pilates class at my gym. This requires a lot of careful negotiations as my children are not so keen to go to the daycare there.
I’ll be honest, as I entered that Pilates studio, I felt a pretty big pang of guilt. What if something happened to them the hour they were out of my protection? Is this fair to them or good for them as I had bribed them with popsicles for going into the care? I felt selfish and like a bad mother (especially for the bribing bit)
The children woke up late. They were whiny. They didn’t eat much of a breakfast (so subsequently we ate fried chicken burgers and fries for lunch from the not so fresh cafe at the gym….after the popsicles! argh!) It really felt like pulling teeth to get there.
But I made it and for the most part (except for the chicken burger and fries bit), I am happy it came together. It felt good to be in the class and I felt like I was affirming myself and my needs. I thanked my daughter afterwards for giving me the time away.
Maybe because I grew up with a mom who did not take any time for herself and gave of herself 100%, this is such a hard balance for me to strike. I do want to show my children that practicing self-care is important and I want it for myself too. Practicing it is just hard. It requires great self-love and gentleness.