Playing With Fire

Folks, I come to you today from inside of a Tim Hortons cafe (for my one US reader that is our ubiquitous coffee and donut shop here in the north – everyone loves this place and they are almost literally on every corner).  Talk about playing with fire….many a time I have ‘escaped’ from life’s stresses or emotional events by crawling into one of these places and greedily ordering as many donuts as look good to my desperate eyes and then furtively gobbling them up while reading a newspaper in the corner.  Talk about ESCAPE.  I told myself during those occasions that:

– I deserve it

-I need this

-this is the last time

-(similiar as above) It is my last hurrah before really buckling down and taking this weight off

-I turn my mind completely off and don’t think anything except ‘shovel food, quickly, before you think”

We are talking easily 3-4 donuts and then I might have a large hot chocolate and cookie for good measure on top of those….and then I would feel relaxed and maybe a bit later I would feel suitably chastened and guilty and then the cycle would continue.

Today I was forced to leave the house for some alone time as my hubby tells me the kids are much harder to care for if I am around as they constantly want to be around me (I know, how sweet…but also slightly suffocating sometimes …haha 🙂 and I could not think of any better options.  I knew I was playing with fire to come here and I don’t suggest or recommend for you or others with my struggles to put themselves in this kind of position at all.

BUT EXCITINGLY, currently all I have beside me as I write is a giant green tea with nothing in it.  I have somehow achieved this moment of transcendence b

of the following factors:

-I already stuffed myself at lunch (but not with sugar so I give myself credit)

-I had a bit of a sugar binge last night so maybe I am in the repentant part of my cycle but to still give myself credit in the  past maybe I would have been like I have blown it so why not just continue

-but it has helped to think of it as STOP NOW, just persevere and move forward

-why not just live the life of the person I want to be now instead of waiting for that person to appear and then doing those things?

-I prayed before coming here that somehow God would help me to resist the urge to escape with sugar

…but I have not left this place yet so let me not be so arrogant as to think I won this battle.  Wish me luck!

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