To Be a Mother

To be a mother is to be a little body’s everything; his security, joy, comforter, supporter, eye-sparkle inducer.

…little arms are always reaching out for and little mouths are calling ‘mama, mama.’  All that is hopeless and desperate in the world can be transformed with your appearing, and tears and crying stilled with just capturing precious, sweet, soft flesh in your arms.

Sometimes in the never-ending constancy of this neediness and wanting and demanding, once can lose how very precious, special and fleeting such a time of motherhood is….soon enough, too soon as I have already experienced with my older one, wordless urgings and grunts become articulate thoughts and demands.  Just as babyhood is left behind in the planing of chubby cheeks, so too is it left behind in the refining of reactions and visceral utterings and needing.

I wanted to say that I have never been loved like this before and never will be again.  But really what is truth is that I have never been NEEDED like this before and never will again.  Thus, let me store the precious moments of SN

… calling ‘mama, mama, mama’ incessantly until he finds me whenever he sees that I am not in the same room

…tucking his little soft head into my neck and me feeling the tension release from his body when he is in my arms

… sitting in my lap,  trusting and resting and being at peace because he is with me and thus, all is well in his world….my presence is all it took

….him running and smiling when he sees me when I come home from the gym

….little arms reaching for me as soon as I am in sight anytime anywhere

…totally comfortable with where we are going and everything he experiences as long as I am calm and he is in my arms

Sometimes I comfort myself by saying there will be grandchildren or that there will be other little people I can babysit anytime, anywhere…but the truth is that those will never compare to the bond of mother and child.  It is dependence and complete trust and reliance that makes it such a sacred relationship, such a holy bond.

I am sorry SN for often just not being in the moment or paying attention or focussing on wishing to have a break…instead of seeing you, seeing your need and respecting and treasuring it.  Let me strive to remember that I am your world for this brief moment…not resent it but embrace it with my whole heart as  you carefreely do every day.  You have no anxiety or embarrassment about your need or vulnerability.  You fully and completely own each moment of your feelings and life.  Thank you for showing me how that is…it is lovely.

Please forgive me when I have ignored your cries or tried to give you to others to hold so I could get a break….sometimes those situations could not be helped but often I am just distracted or feeling selfish.  I pledge to just enjoy your love/need and trust you as you trust me.  Soon enough you will slowly break free….I want to fully embrace this moment so I can fully let go in that moment.

Let there be no half measures.


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