My heartbreaks are (in chronological order as I could not compare each one’s devastation in any meaningful way to list by impact magnitude): my mom’s ongoing illness, my sister’s death, betrayal and losing romantic love, and my dad’s cancer….and maybe something about growing up in a household with very unhappily married people. (haven’t really unpacked the last one…am I over it? or have I not even begun to plumb the depths of that one? unsure…but I’m pretty sure it has left me kookier than genetics alone would warrant – but hey, that is why you love me right? 😉
Today’s lesson was about how brokeness about sin is necessary for true change (repentance). The sin in my case is overeating (gluttony) (this is really hard lto write in our ‘post-sin’ world – ya know what I mean? people are SO not willing to hear that word – thank goodness only one person reads this blog or I would be flamed…haha! 🙂
It would be great if I could just love Jesus enough and have faith enough that I could see my sin as having crucified him (as he died for my sins) and thus be broken by that. Frustratingly and sadly, I don’t. I have some hope in the fact that the Bible warns that the natural work of ongoing sin in our fallen world is to harden hearts. Me being in possession of said hardened heart should not thus surprise me. I have been involved in all sorts of sin including deceit, gluttony, and self-idolizing (what? the world does NOT revolve around me?)…and greed. To name just a few. So, yeah…I come by my hard heart ‘honestly’ (see what I’m saying about the lack of brokeness? I’m joking around at a time like this….argh!)
So, we have established that I’m just not very noble or pure-hearted enough (and that perhaps the very nature of things is such that our hearts are too hardened by sin?) to repent when in the middle of sin…so what to do? In comes the inevitable consequences of sin….the shame, the feeling stuck, etc….and that might lead me to search Him out with more desperation (and thus the current series of blog posts)…that might lead to the brokeneness – as I keep on coming against my complete inability to change over and over and over again. I wish I was noble but I’m not and so I’m left squinting so I can see God.
Or maybe (and maybe in addition), God allowed different sorrows that broke my heart. To strip me and take me out of the noise and clutter of life and into the desert where the truly few things that matter came into such a precise and beautiful focus. Most importantly, they helped me see Him. After all, if my eyes are so full of me, how can I see God? I needed to get smaller for that. Although all the challenges listed above were hard, I can honestly say that each in their own way has made me more of the person I would like to be. Humbler, more thoughtful, more grateful. Strangely enough, I cannot say the same about my so-called successes in life.