I was leafing through a personal journal I wrote in 2009 and I was struck by how many entries I discussed the desire to get married and be a mother (and here i thought I had been ambivalent about the latter…hmm..) There was even an entry where I agreed to go take professional photos with my mom so that she could put a marriage ad out for me in an Indian newspaper…(!!) I didn’t agree to such shenanigans because of my desire to be married but more to appease my mother that I was actually “doing something about the ‘problem'”. But in that entry I expressed my fear of how this may lead to further disappointment and hurt for my mom (and pressure on me) if things did not pan out as she hoped (e.g. a prince sweeping her daughter away stuff)
As I lay this morning, cuddling my sweet 1 year old daughter secure in the love care, and attention of a truly wonderful husband (as good a human as I have ever met truly) (not as result of afore mentioned ad if you were wondering btw)….I realized that it could all go away in but a moment…so it would be wise for me to appreciate the moment that I have all this wealth. Because people change and die and grow older and etc.
In trying to learn who I am and struggling/fighting through my one third life crisis, it is easy to forget to appreciate such a best friend who listens and shares and encourages and supports and LOVES.
In the figuring out of routines, potty training, teething pains and sometimes sleepless nights, it is easy to forget what a gift it is to have this once-in-a lifetime chance to experience the growth and shaping of a human being. It is easy to forget that not everyone has the ability or opportunity to hold close a baby and have its head rest on your shoulders in complete trust and comfort, to have her seek your eyes first to smile as she stands unassisted.
I wish it was not the thought of possible loss or scarcity or reflecting on a past where I would literally have given anything to have what I have now that made me truly grateful today.
But I will take it.