Honestly I have been stalling writing this post because I did not want to make the decision that I feel culminates through its writing.
What do I mean?
Well the confession was that I feel like a dying or dead Christian….I have a lot of good memories and lots of head knowledge but not so much the surrendered and God-impacted life I was expecting.
Maybe those close to me would suggest that I am being too hard on myself. BUT the real question always has and always will be, what does God think? His Word tells me that one who walks with Him is ‘filled with an inexpressible joy’ (2nd Peter 1?) and with ‘peace that transcends all understanding’ (Philippians). There are many, many more passages I could point to but these two are enough to tell me something is not quite right in Kansas (sorry Kansanites!! <— no point in losing my corny sense of humour over all this, right?) I struggle to find that joy (that I have experienced when connecting to God) and have little peace….and no discernible reason for said lack of peace (other than of course lacking connection to God)….as far as I can see my life is totally blessed…(and I am VERY grateful!) but the peace still does not come.
So what is the solution?
I’ve been thinking about this for 10 plus years. (no, seriously!) …and as in my last post it came down to really and truly seeking God with all my heart for the first time in my life. Giving up has never been a serious option, for how can I even begin to entertain that thought unless I take God up on His word about being found by those who earnestly seek? I don’t want to have any regrets in life , ESPECIALLY with regards to the spiritual aspect.
I guess I knew this direction was the right one for quite a while BUT I stalled because I was scared I could not do it, lazy about the sacrifices involved…really also not sure about what to do. How does one seek GOD and do it with ‘all your heart’?
Well, I recently went to a spiritual conference and I heard a speaker say she made the decision not to read anything except the Bible for one year because of her desire to get closer to God. Right away her statement resonated with me. Here is something practical and concrete for me to do that God promises in His word will help me get closer to Him. Read His words in the Bible…soak them up, have them with me all the time…surround myself with them.
This also makes sense because reading is my passion and my escape and secretly I believe it is my salvation.
Let me explain the latter point – I am one of those people who reads so many blogs and books on new diets and investing and etc,etc….(never implementing anything of course!)…always subconciously searching and believing that the key to displacing my discontent is just around the next reading corner….Basically it has become an addiction, a distraction from any real change or positive action (action makes me nervous and filled with anxiety because I am a perfectionist and want to make the ‘perfect’ next move) just like my food addiction .
THE PLEDGE/RESOLUTION/FAST/QUEST (whatever you wanna call it):
To focus on the Bible and Bible related materials to the exclusion of all other reading (I make an exception for child rearing material and my email) from now till the end of 2012. I am hoping to refresh/revive my relationship with God. This is a difficult sacrifice because reading is my ‘downtime’ but I believe and hope that God will bless this desire on my part. After all….He promises to ‘draw near to us, when we draw near to him.’ (James 4:8)
I will let you know how it goes.