TMF – June 22, 2012, 157.6 lbs

….Just when I thought I had it all figured out! Argh!

After being 155 for a few days there and hitting my goal for my birthday I spent a few heady days at my parents’ place where (don’t tell anyone please!) at least half a cinnamon coffee cake was literally inhaled. When will I ever learn? I hate admitting it to myself but I do not have self control when it comes to such food items and I cannot do well for long in an environment like that…AND the toughest part? TO BE OKAY WITH THAT….know who I am and accept me and work with me….I wish I could turn my nose up at chocolates and sweet things and be all hoity toity super healthy like that BUT I need to be real and just deal with the fact that I am a sugar junkie.

Honestly, it is super humbling because I am so hoity toity super healthy judgemental in my mind all the time towards others because of the health/lifestyle/food choices they make. Of course this kind of mental attitude means often feeling ashamed and defeated with regards to who I am and my consumption….and if anyone was wondering, feelings of shame and defeat are definitively NOT conducive when attempting to grow and change in one’s life….(also not conducive to picking oneself up and moving forward either which is so needed…)

Clearly, I need more compassion for others and for myself. How cool would it be if I could just sit with myself when I feel the desire to eat/munch because I want to avoid some anxiety? Speak to myself and listen compassionately instead of the “have to’s” regarding the anxiety inducing task and the ‘no, no’ regarding the food? And if I do trip up? Mercy and focussing on trying to resolve the anxiety instead of harshness towards myself. (and maybe setting myself for future success instead of failure)…instead of the usual berating, feelings of hopelessness and the good ole’ ‘I’ll try harder next time’ and not changing anything.

I think this particular gain is challenging because it is so discouraging for my husband. He works so hard trying to help me to change and grow past this challenge and as ,he has never struggled similarily with an addiction to food, it is hard for him to understand why I keep yo yo ing around with this weight.

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