In my last post, I ended rather cryptically that I wanted to pursue ‘love’…it is my ultimate goal and what I want to focus on BUT to be honest I hardly feel mentally up to such a lofty goal as this seems to be.
I wanted this pursuit of loving humanity to be my focus in writing and the preoccupation of my days. Frankly, it is only 7:30 and I am drained mentally and physically…and spiritually (where I believe the impetuous for this goal should come from)
I guess it just seems like such a grand goal that it is overwhelming and I am not there yet to focus like that. With a husband and new baby and so many balls up in the air currently …(where are we going to live? what will be my career? how do we invest?…etc.), the truth is that my thoughts run all over the place and everywhere and I don’t think I would be true to myself /shortchanging myself if I just try to artifically focus myself in this way in my writing.
True that the adventure of loving is where I want to end up but I think there is a journey to begin that journey that needs to be painstakingly gone on (yep! this is honestly the typical, convoluted beauty of my thinking….)
I mean I couldn’t even come here and write because I was thinking to myself that I need something to report to you about what my new stated purpose for the blog was…and thus I found myself trying to invent things to do that would be loving just so I could write (since I have been itching to write!)….(yes, I know I’m crazy…why else would I be working through this thought process on a public blog?)
Bottom line: I lack focus so of course this blog is going to lack focus. And that is JUST FINE WITH ME. (I had to capitalize the last bit because writing it was making it so in my mind…). I am reminded that two of the primary purposes of this blog was to give me an outlet to write and self discovery.