“I don’t sleep well”

The above statement is unfortunately not all that uncommon (how’s that for double negative shenanigans 🙂 

In my earlier days, I don’t recall ever having trouble with sleep.  In fact, I remember I was actually one of those annoying ‘morning’ people who perk up as soon as the blessed sunlight peaks through the windows and touches their sweet faces.  I did not linger for one moment in bed but instead sprung up to face my day with no memories of the deep and restful sleep that had transpired the hours before.

Fast forward to today and we have a vastly different story.  I struggle to fall asleep, stay asleep and spend an inordinate amount of time in the morning struggling to get up out of my half-dazed stupor.

…and you know when all of this started?  You guessed it: A BOY.  Feb 4, 2006 to be exact, I was completely heart broken over that fool (who I’ve written about before – took me sadly years to shake him!).  The random thoughts, confusion and just plain grief around the situation caused me to stay up nights on end. 

Now years later, heart healed and given to a much safer keeper of it, I still struggle with the awful legacy of this incidence.  I have tried going to a naturapath (which helped temporarily), changing my diet, keeping set sleep schedule, buying books, etc.

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that what is keeping me awake is not on the conscious level at all.  It is the restlessness of my subconcious – which is tired of the clutter and breaking-faith-with-myself pattern of the vast majority of my daily activities.  

…..I mean, I don’t mean that I lie, steal and murder.  I mean I was meant to do something, be something special (as are we all! I truly believe this), and I am hiding behind the clutter of my life and  soul from this ‘becoming’ because of FEAR….basically my heart feels this dissonance in a real and substantial way and this produces a weariness in my bones and soul which just won’t go away.

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One response to ““I don’t sleep well”

  1. I’ve recently finished this book, it’s really good, on being a fearless woman in Christ.

    http://www.amazon.com/Fearlessly-Feminine-Jani-Ortlund/dp/1576736695/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1302722367&sr=8-1-spell

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