Sometimes I just feel like a Jerk

My family would often go to social situations as we returned home, one family member would constantly berate herself that she had talked too much….She would feel bad that she had taken over the entire room with her constant chatting and humour.  She would ask whether she had gone overboard and then of course not wait for a response and bemoan how she wished she could keep a dignified silence just for once.  We all sat silently in the car pondering the irony of it all (since she was obviously still the center of the conversation….(wry smile!)

Fast forward, to night’s like tonight.  I spent the whole day with various groups of friends.  I admire many of them and enjoy their company immensely.  BUT, I feel that I said many inappropriate things, made silly negative jokes, talked at times to maintain a certain image, and generally just talked toooooooo much (I am reminded of that scripture which says, ‘where words are many, sin is not absent’).  Reflecting on my feelings tonight, I realize how identically I act and react as my relative did years ago….truly the apple does not fall far from the tree…

Why do I jabber so much in social situations?  If there is a silence, I feel somehow ‘responsible’ to entertain.  Isn’t that wierd?  I feel like I ‘should’ ask questions or fill the silence.  I really need to learn to appreciate and sit with silence.  A much needed skill for life to be learned.

Why do I feel often fake in social situations?  As suggested above, often socially I am not choosing to break the silence because of an authentic desire within me to share of something or pay attention to someone.  It is more a overflow of insecurity that sprays from my mouth, sometimes thinly veiled as a sincere attempt to know another soul (e.g. questions asked of others).  It really is embarrassing and grate when I think of how I pretend sometimes …. and there is no need for it.  It seems especially silly upon reflection.

…it really is always best to honestly and with humility to communicate with others.  That seems so difficult and foreign to me…..but I am so tired of the effort, embarrassment and ultimate lack of connection which results from my current interaction habits.

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