TMF – April 29/2010 – 167.6

For a few weeks there I was weighing myself every Thursday morning, not being happy with the number and rolling (unfortunately, literally…;) on into the next week hoping to magically change in a week and report something a little bit more appealing.  But, yeah obviously this strategy hasn’t been working so well (as I have noticed a general upward trend to the beastly number) and I figured you guys might as well know the pathetic state of my (not-so) epic battle with the bulge.
Honesty, light, truth….all necessary for change (I remind myself).  No use in hiding what is happening and in fact is the worst thing to do if you are looking to change.  Deciding to post the number up is equivalent to getting a flashlight shined in my eyes….a wakeup call if you will.  Admitting to myself that I am at the highest weight I have been in 2 years is difficult but it must be done to stop this upward ascent.  I am at the weight where finally for good I had decideded that I was going to fight this battle (soon after came the 4000$ personal training which we won’t get into here).  Looks like I’m there again….argh!    
So what is happening?  Let’s explore some theories…shall we? 🙂
The “Dating Dozen”:  You have all heard of the famous ‘freshmen fifteen’ well welcome to the ….DATING DOZEN.  Although you often see married couples packing on the “newlywed ninteen”, I’m not really sure that I can attribute my 10 or so pounds to the ‘dating dozen.’  I mean if anythign “The Man” is very healthy eater and anyway we don’t eat together that often.  Also, I was never losing weight to ‘get a guy’ (hence, no reason for complaceny regarding my weight because I’ve achieved the much sought-after state of datedum).  Don’t get me wrong…I definitely did have thoughts that being at my optimum in physical health would make me more appealing to particular men, but it just wasn’t the motivator.  
The Whirlwind:  I think this has a large part to do with the problem.  For example, this weekend I am going to a conference, a family wedding, preparing for an exam on Monday, preparing for a vacation, housing SEVEN guests in my tiny 2 bdrm condo, ETC (seriously there’s more)..Yeah. Exactly…do I need to say more?  Thinking and preparing to take healthy steps in this crazy amount of activity is just not happening.  Health is a priority that hasn’t been kept as such.  The urgent is a tryrant to the important.  Why oh WHY do I do this to myself over and over and over and over?  Overcommitting???  Can I never learn my lesson?  Very slow the Sanj is.
The Anxiety:  I have always known myself to eat because of anxiety.  I remember in university having upsetting things happen and buying 5 donuts together and systematically chomping through them (even if by donut 2, I was not wanting to have more).  I no longer buy 5 donuts but I still turn to food whenever something vaguely bothers me.  Sometimes I cannot even pinpoint there is a problem until later when I realize that I’m eating way too much and stop and ask myself why….it is usually related to some emotional issue that I don’t want to confront or acknowledge.  As usual, the whirlwind is leading to a lot of ‘the anxiety’ as I have no time to process and deal with my emotions and everything is just rushing by and there is so much to do….I have thus been EATING, and EATING…and EATING.  Everytime I feel nervous or overwhelmed (which has been a lot lately), I eat.
So there it is. 

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