No Complaints…my fault for not learning

I could never complain to God that men didn’t pay attention to me or that the potential of being a dating/married woman didn’t materialize.
 
Male attention has never been lacking in my life, even to the point of uncomfortability.  When I notice a man watching me I often feel insecure because I wonder at what point will he notice my flaws?…better if he does not look too closely. 
 
So Sanj, you are saying…guys regularly dig you…why has nothing every worked out?  I used to blame this on the whole Christian thing….most of these guys are not Christian and I want to be with someone who is interested in glorifying God as I strive to….but to be fair to God (hehe…like He needs me to do that)….even Christian guys have *occassionally* dug me…
 
…..Weelllll, I am learning I have many d issues. One of them is choosing the wrong person’s attention to entertain.  Women who are good at this dating thing
know how to encourage the right guys and discourage the wrong ones…My bleeding heart combined with my insecurities  allow the wrong men to overstay their welcome in my life (case in point Mr. P of “open letter to myself” fame).  I start to get to know a guy, find out how he’s really, really, really, really broken…start feeling sorry for him…ah he ‘needs me’…therefore I feel comfortable to stay in the ‘friendship’ because as long as he ‘needs’ me, he won’t leave.  Of course this is happening on a subconscious level….I don’t give the reasonable guys a chance and let the dangerously wounded guys loose to hurt me….not smart!
 
Now don’t get me wrong, EVERYONE’S GOT ISSUES and are broken on some level…but  there are men who are aware, honest and working on it…and  others who are a danger to themselves and others.
 
Mostly I am standoffish with men who pay attention to me, but with guys that I like or who would be much better choices for me, I tend to be even more standoffish, less warm, less accomodating on every level. Their strength threatens my security in being needed.  My actually liking them means an instant vulnerability in me that scares me silly.  They don’t need me on any readily apparent level so they could walk away at any time and hurt me.  The more I like him then, the less I’m willing to give to him…My insecurities don’t let me believe that he would really want me so I better run…NOW….clever! 😉
 
In the last year, I have been trying through prayer, advice and reflection  to deal with this ISSUE of mine.  I have tried to avoid the ‘dangerous’ ones and focussed on building healthy friendships with ‘good’ guys…
 
But it has been difficult.  I, like most women, get carried away with the smooth talking men who are obviously so good at charming the ladies precisely BECAUSE they have WAY TOO MUCH practice (aka. womanizers).   When a man is charming it is difficult to determine if they are ‘safe’….ARGH!
 
Recently I met a gentlemen who I would describe as ‘dreamy’…attractive, confident, humble and kind.  Nothing turns my head faster than kind attention paid. PLUS he’s really, really into me.  He couldn’t take his eyes off me…….but he’s had a very broken up past.   So the question is…is he safe????????
 
I really REALLY don’t want to waste more time down dead-end rabbit holes which stop me from taking advantage of the the great opportunites God graciously presents in my life.  I want to learn from my mistakes….
 
I’m going to pray A LOT about this one.  🙂
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2 responses to “No Complaints…my fault for not learning

  1. The-Sanj, our lives seem to be travelling in parallel directions. I’m learning a great deal about safe and unsafe and like you, I too run away.

    *sigh* What are we girls to do!

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