TMF – Oct 8/09 – 160.0

(Yes, yes…I’m going to keep you in suspense about the goal because I didn’t do The Morris Files last week….this week will be up on Sunday)

I have eaten so many things just to make other people happy (!?!).  I might be VERY full but if someone offers food to me, or tells me they slaved away making it for me, or really want me to try something…well guess out?  Cue: Sanj eating.

Strange? Yeah, when I see it in black and white…it does seem like very odd behaviour…because I’m pretty sure most if not ALL of those people would have been just fine if I didn’t partake.  Really for them, even if they were miffed (?!?), it was a blip on the screen…for me…as the saying goes…”a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips”

For those without boundary issues, this kind of behaviour seems very bizarre indeed.  I don’t really know how to explain it except to say it obviously effects every area of my life.  If someone wants something or asks something, or wants to spend time with me or WHATEVER….I find it hard to say no…their priorities often overtake my own….AND honestly?

I resent it…and them….and it is not even their fault.  It is mine for not being honest. 

Partly I think the problem often is that I don’t know who I am/what I want….the defining of Sanj and her priorities are just not there…Without a burning, passionate “yes” within me, I often fall away to others’ desires..to their ‘yes’s’…Partly it is a lack of courage and lack of confidence that I can live with the consequences of making another person unhappy.  A lightbulb moment for me recently was realizing that my real friends are those who will accept my NO’s…if I’m afraid of saying ‘no’ to someone, that is a key to me that this person is unsafe and should not be trusted.

If I’m going to win this battle to be fit…or even this bigger war to define and shape the entirety of the  SANJ I have always dreamed of….Well, I’m going to have to start saying NO (without guilt) a LOT more.

(Confession: It makes me nervous just thinking about it – I wish I was stronger…but I’m not)

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