TMF – October 1/09 – 163.8

I was going to write today that I feel that I have (had) more than my fair share of heartache in life…BUT then I realized…”everybody’s got a story that could break your heart” (Amanda Marshall…good song)….such true words.

It has been a tough morning since not 1 but 2 close family members are battling health issues and I feel pretty helpless as their needs wash over top my head.  There isn’t much I or anyone else can do to help.  Regarding what little  I can do, I’m always battling my co-dependency tendencies wondering where to draw the line as sometimes ‘helping’ can actually be hurting.

….and then I thought about chocolate cupcakes.  That warm, moist chocolately goodness would chase all the bad feelings away….or would they?

I have resisted thus far thanks largely to preparation (precooked meals) and prayer (with a friend).

Living, engaging, loving in this world involves a lot beautiful things but also a LOT of hurt.  I’ve seen or heard of people medicate these hurts with food, gambling, porn, alcohol, drugs, video games….addictions of all kinds.   These things allow you to turn off and escape; go somewhere where whatever is tearing at the edges of your conciousness doesn’t exist anymore.  I’ve personally abused food & TV in this way.

What am I running from?  What do I want to forget or not acknowledge?  My helplessnes, lack of control more than anything…the raw, unadulterated truth that there are many important things that I cannot control.  The illusion of control is so subtle in its deception that the rude awakenings of life are sometimes unbearably jarring.

Through the years, I have learned that the only way I can live ‘in the raw’ (without my addictions & escapes) is through God.  Fully experiencing the uncertainty, the indecision, the hurt and letting Him be my hiding place.  

So what to do today, dear friends?  There is nothing for it, but to march boldly forward….through my troubles, through my fears….and through my tears sometimes, holding on and trusting that in the end, God’s glory will prevail….

 40Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”   John 11:40

(Here’s to living life in the raw….:)




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