Sanj the Rascal (update on the letter to myself)

I gave some excellent advice to myself a few weeks back in an “open letter to myself.”  

Did I take my own advice? In one word, NO! (rebellious rascal that I am…:)

In my defence, I plead extenuating circumstances.  The guy’s mom died for goodness sakes!

Ah the dilemnas of life…I wanted to be a friend to him through this time, partly out of obligation, mostly because I truly care for him.  But can I be?  

I returned to our ‘friendship’ after a two year break this past Christmas, because I thought it was possible to resume a friendship with this man.  I thought time had mellowed my feelings to just being about loving another person purely…that only affection remained.  Now, I cannot honestly say that that is the case.  It seems with him around, I always hope for more.

Even after I started realizing my feelings were being reawakened, my hubris kept me in the game because  I thought I know better than all the people advising me…that I would be the first person in history (besides Jesus) who was going to love so purely, so unconditionally…that I would take this stuff to the next level. 

Yeah, not so much.  Dishonesty, jealousy, anger, discouragement, idolization reigned.  I want to be his girlfriend, not his friend.  There.  I said it.  That is the truth…how can you have honesty in a friendship when one person has to pretend to feel less than they do?  How do you not feel like a loser in a situation like that? 

Besides not being capable of this uncoditional love, the dishonesty and losing of self respect, the logistics of trying to maintain a simple friendship with someone you have more-than-them feelings for is draining.  When any another friend does not return a call, I shrug it off with nary a thought.  With him, it bothers me…it stays in the back of my mind.  I also find myself constantly second guessing myself.  For example, when I heard this news about his mom, my heart wanted to rush to his side.  Hold his hand, be there for him.  I wanted so much to be the person who he could rely upon through this ordeal.  My head, however, said…’whoa, there partner.” (yeah, it gets country like that in there sometimes…;)  Even though these are things I would try and do for any close friend, with him I always have to ask, “am I pretending to be his girlfriend?”  I need to guard my heart because it so easy for me to give and give and give to him without considering how I might be affected or damaged….while with others I can better adhere to my limits. 

Even writing all that was exhausting…imagine trying to live it!?!

…and I must confess, I secretly want to be there for him so he could finally realize what a great woman I am and that I am the one he who should be with….arghh! (the awful truth)

(- NEWS FLASH – I am a great woman…whether he realizes it DOES NOT negate that truth…)

I want desperately to move on from being tangled up emotionally with this person.  I  feel like he has to be out of my life for there to be space for that special s0meone, that love of my life, the knight in shining armour I await..:)

So what’s the problem….if I want this so, in my own words, desperately…why don’t I do it? Let’s explore:

1.  I felt bad ditiching a friend during such a tough time – This one is a crock.  I saw him with his family and friends yesterday.  They are a large group of lovely, loving people that would do anything for him.  He has huge amounts of emotional support.  While I’ll admit that ‘the Sanj’ is one unique blend of spicy curry goodness, to believe that you are irreplaceable is dangerous and stressful.  He has been and will be just fine without me.  BESIDES, what about me??????  What about what is best for me?  If the hurt to him of losing my support is negligible and the stagnation for me if I stay is overwhelming….I think clearly I should leave. 

2.  He and his family and friends are FUN:  Because of all the South Asianess of the gang it really feels like home.  I especially like one of his friends that is a girl…they are really close…moving on from him would mean losing her.  BUT, I have a  LOT of great friends.  Although sad, it’ll be okay…really 🙂

3.  The Investment Factor:  I don’t call my dad and myself two peas in a pod for nutin’ (see the “out with the old” post).  I have cared for this person for almost 4 years.  To admit that it was the wrong way to invest my emotions, makes me feel REALLY stupid.  But the only thing STUPIDER ? Yup, you got it….continuing to invest.    Can loving someone ever be wrong?  Yes, if that ‘love’ stops you from growing and learning.

4. Holding out hope:  This one I hate to admit but yes it is true.  I still hope.  That hope must die.  If he is the one God has in store for me, I must trust that God will bring it about at the right time in the right way….and simply let it go. 

5.  My pride:  I really hate admitting I was wrong to return to this ‘friendship’.  I feel SO stupid after all the turmoil, tears and heartbreak I went through the first time around to have returned to this relationship and come back to the exact same solution.  I thought I was a different person, more knowledgeable, more loving….but I was never the problem.  He was and is the problem and has not changed.  Also having to explaining to him (if it comes to it) would be humiliating.  Humility here I come! 🙂

So what’s the plan?  Just avoid – I think he’ll get the picture soon enough.  No need for any drama…we both have enough of that in our lives right now. 

What have I learned?

1.  Pride makes you really stupid.  (I may be stupid but  I’m not that stupid (yes!! 🙂

2.  I need to build and maintain better boundaries.

3.  Listen to your friends & fam who care for you. 

4.  I am proud of myself for not letting this thing drag on – any longer

5.  God rocks.  He is so gentle and wonderful in the way He teaches me things.

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