Fighting Extremism in Myself

I once went to a therapist for about 6 months.  It was expensive and time consuming but useful.  The main reason I had started was to address my work issues around procrastination.  I still remember her excellent advice to just do something however little….when I complained that that would not get me anywhere at work since there was so much to do…she asked what my current method was accomplishing?  LOL…my method was resulting in nothing being done at all so she was right.  Even something miniscule accomplished is better than nothing.

She also talked to me about black and white, all or nothing thinking.  I struggle with that type of thinking in every area of my life.  Either I am super mom who does everything with the kids or I am laying on the couch mindlessly surfing the net while my kids watch TV all day.  My kids are either eating plain vegetables for a snack or it is cheetos.  Seriously, so crazy.

Yesterday, after a long week of fights with my dad, my husband being out a few nights and the usual negativity and criticism in my own head about my mothering, I got a night ‘off’ courtesy of my generous hubs.  I literally could not think of anything I would rather do then sit down and eat chocolate, alone.  How pathetic can a person get?  I even asked myself whether I could just take a walk or a bubble bath or read a book uninterrupted…..but no….6 chocolate bars chomped! (yes, you read that correctly).  The last few, I ate even when I did not feel like it (because who knew when I would get another chance?)  After the crazy had settled, I had 1 last purchased bar which I ended up getting up late at night to gobble (because after clearing that from the house I could start a fresh in the morning you see)….when I had had time to think about how crazy I was being.  Seven chocolate bars in one night….a new personal record (shamefully!)

Predictably, I woke up quite chastened and vowed that I would have a healthy breakfast.  Initially I was even considering skipping breakfast and ‘fasting’ but I quickly recognized that such an extreme reaction was not going to help matters.  I was literally in the ‘binge-fast’ cycle.  I did have an extremely healthy, low carb (but delicious) meal and vowed to never touch another high carb meal again!!!  We all know how that went right? (yup, flatbread and chicken curry for lunch! argh!)

It seems I managed to avoid the initial extremism but quickly got into it again with the totally perfect breakfast and vows about low carb.  And then after falling for a carby lunch, my first thought was “I’ve blown it, might as well go get that giant milk shake that I love so much”…..see what I mean by ‘all or nothing’ thinking?  argh!  Back and forth, from one extreme to another.  Absolutely crazy.

Well I was saved today by talking to my husband about the situation.  He was compassionate and tried to help which seemed to be exactly what I needed.  It also helps immensely if I can sit down and make myself write a blog post.  I don’t have any easy solutions but at least I avoided the usual pitfalls today through some intense self-reflection.

If I am to get healthy, you will be seeing a lot more of me in this space.

Here we go again…

I don’t even want to weigh myself to begin although I know I should.  I know I am bigger than where I’m comfortable. Such a state is bound to happen when one has large McDonald’s shakes most nights

I will weigh in a few days and let you know. Really just want to focus on healthy behaviours.

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Darkness and Light

 

(Wrote and saved this a year ago.  Decided to publish it now coz it still resonates)

As I get older, I really struggle with depression.  It seems to be cyclic and based on my hormonal patterns.  It is a real challenge to feel hope and positive some days.

Yesterday was one of those days.  It did not help that I was impatient and angry with my kids because we were late for school.  We try to walk to school (20 mins one way for little legs) and sometimes I am literally dragging/carrying them the whole way.  It really gets me down when the morning starts like that.

I was disoriented and dark almost the whole day.  I do believe it is a mild depression as depressions go but what do I know, how do I compare?  It is oppressive and so hard to do anything.  I wander around the house while my little one watches tv not sure what to do (I understand I am so privileged to be a stay-at-home mom who has that luxury!)

My husband prayed with me and has been really supportive.  This morning I woke up early to spend some time with God (upon hubby’s suggestion).  I was reading through 1st John and it really struck me how God is LIGHT.  There is a scripture in psalms which reads:

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

I have always loved that scripture but it had new/deeper meaning for me today as I reflected on how dark and heavy I felt.  It was encouraging to think that God has the ability to turn that weight off of me, that his appearance makes darkness dissipate.  I am not alone and helpless and hopeless – LIGHT is there, willing and able to shine in my life.

What can I do?  Turn to the light (through prayer, biblestudy, fellowship with other believers).  Trust He is there.  Hope in His rescue.

Howdy Ho!

I’m preggers with my third child.  We were not planning this latest happy surprise but I look forward to having a cute little baby soon.

I think I started my pregnancy around 163 pounds and now find myself around 161 pounds (at the doctor’s office in the middle of the day with my shoes and clothes on, including jeans and sweater!)  The first trimester was difficult with loads of depression and feeling generally unwell.  I spent a lot of days just laying on the grass in the sun in my backyard because I always felt cold and sick.  My poor son has really learned to play by himself.  The kids are the only thing that got me out of bed most mornings because of how sad and bad I felt.  So grateful that period is over. Needless to say I lost a few pounds during that period, probably getting into my mid-150’s again.  Not a real problem as I am an overweight mother and doctors advise that we should not put on as much as weight.

Just wanted to pop on here and tell my blog what was up with me.  I was inspired by this quote by Brene Brown today:

“I’m not very creative” doesn’t work. There’s no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t. Unused creativity doesn’t just disappear. It lives within us until it’s expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.”

I was reminded how much I needed to be creative and get ideas out there.  I need to create.  I hope I can do more small bits of it every day.

Another week, another pound!

Weight: 163.8

Obviously I have not been able to reign it in very much.  Has there been a lot of anxiety? Yes! More than usual?  No (I don’t think so).  What’s the difference then?  How I am dealing with the anxiety.  I need to take this fear in my heart to God.

Actually, I woke up this morning feeling pretty happy because yesterday night there was a major battle in my heart to go buy a chocolate bar after yoga class and I resisted (by some miracle of the Lord!).  I reasoned with myself, I prayed, I very nearly gave in….but I did ask myself some important questions that helped:

1.  Will one chocolate bar be enough? (no, the lust for them is endless, I could eat countless of them…nothing is ever enough)
2. What about my goals and my dreams?  (being obsessive about food keeps me tracked in an endless cycle of self focus which means I never get to focus on the purpose God made for me)
3. At some point, am I going to want to return to eating healthily? (yes, of course! so what is the point to sabotaging myself now or giving up?  I can’t afford to lose this battle)

I also prayed and somehow steered my car safely home as opposed to the gas station treats (pathetic, I know!).

I was a bit sobered by the number on the scale still as I had not even dinner because I had been full from lunch.  Anyway, just need to keep fighting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 days of failure

I have not been able to stay away from the Easter chocolate.  I wish I would just wisen up and boot all the chocolate from the house BUT I have small children and they like to keep some. (yes, I actually have been stealing my children’s chocolate – pathetic)  This morning I got side tracked again by my old nemesis (NOT WANTING TO WASTE FOOD, especially expensive food) some old persimmons were sitting in the fridge and I knew it was either down my hatch or garbage because they were looking old around the edges)  Knowing I am only supposed to eat one PALEO meal a day and I was planning that for the BBQ later, I still went ahead and ate them….frustrating!  Then I opened the freezer and chocolate eggs were staring me in the face and it was all too much.  I gobbled them up too.  But all this began with feel frustrated that I lost my daughter’s ‘gratitude journal’….have looked all over and no sign of it.  THis makes me sad because there are a lot of great memories recorded in that journal and it upsets me when we lose track of these things because she always insists on taking them and keeping them.   THen of course I felt overwhelmed by the fact that I was not sure what to do next to best use my time while the kids watched TV after breakfast.  That mild anxiety led to this food mini-disaster.

(Also I had a Mcdonald’s breakfast followed by two of their yummy apple pies yesterday. That was yesterday’s failure, hence 2 days of failure.  There were chocolate eggs that morning too. I need to remember two things 1) that their breakfast is just not as yummy as it used to be and 2) no matter how many of their apple pies I eat it will NEVER be enough. So might as well not start on those bad boys.

So what should I do now?  Typically, I would just throw the towel for at least the day but what I learned in February this year is not to make the stumbles a total fall.  The quicker I pick myself up, the better I will do in every sense.

My plan is doggedly to complete as much of my checklist today as possible….even if I did already fail about not eating sugar and keeping it to one meal.  Maybe I can just make the chocolate eggs and wafers the end of things for meals today?  Not sure, don’t want to let myself get too hungry, especially when I am so vulnerable and teetering of late.

A month later!

I cannot believe it is almost a month later that I’m typing here.  I guess it has been a busy and undisciplined month.  I really wish I had blogged/journalled my way through it.  Anyway, no time like the present to repent and return to healthy habits including writing/blogging/creating.

First, since I have been regularly updating my weight: 162.4  What this number does not show is how I went down to 155.4 about 2 weeks ago and then slipped into depression, went on a mini-trip and totally crashed/trashed myself by consuming about 1000 pieces of chocolates.  That is what I did but ultimately it always comes back to my emotional needs.  That big hole in my heart needs/craves something.  If I don’t stuff it with God…then chocolate seems to be the go to – unfortunately!  Of course it did not help that it was Easter and sweets were everywhere.

I got super duper fancy and decided to make myself a checklist like my previous 40 day checklist on Excel.  It took a bit of time, it is not perfect but I like it.  This time it is in celebration of my milestone birthday coming up!  I’m excited to see where God will take me with what I have put on my checklist like taking time to be kind each day, having fun with the kids, staying away from sugar and reading 10 chapters of the Bible daily.  I’m also committing to sleep with my family and not stay up uselessly surfing the net.  So tough but SO worth it.  I will feel better sleeping on a regular schedule.   It tends to be something that informs all my other decisions.  As we say in my family, a great morning begins with a great evening the day before!

 

Recovering Slowly

Weight: 156.6

I’m feeling somewhat better today.  So very glad that is the case.  There is still some lingering discomfort from the food poisoning but at least I’m on the end!  woo hoo

Even though I was not feeling 100%, I went to a dance aerobic class yesterday and pilates/yoga class tonight.  The first class I had to stop halfway due to feeling ill (headache coming on and pain in ma belly) but tonight’s class was okay.   I have not gone to Pilates in a while  and I am experiencing some regression in my ability to keep up.  However, I just kept trying to finish each exercise set.  I really look forward to the time when I can actually ‘do’ the entire class.  I was almost there before (hard to believe).  I will be there again!!

So let us talk about that weigh in, shall we?  I mean it just kinda blows me AWAY!! seriously.  I am almost at the weight I was before my second pregnancy (more than 4 years ago)  At that time I was really working on losing weight and getting healthy and had finally gotten to 155 for the first time in my post-university life.  That weight really is another turning point weight for me.  AMAZING….(of course I must curb my enthusiasm a bit since  this weight will most likely shoot up  once I am fully recovered and back to normal eating…we will see because honestly, I’m just not that hungry these days, sticking with my 1-2 meals and not craving the sweets etc…leading me to believe I’m in the holy grail of ketosis….like I said, we will see 🙂

I’m hoping by April 1st that I will be 155…which is only about a pound away.  My goal is just to continue eating low carb, high fat consistently steering clear of sugar and continue to enjoy consistent exercise….

….and I do mean ENJOY exercise (who is this alien writing this blog??  do not know her anymore)  Ever since I did so much research about weight loss, I am so convinced that exercise is not where it is at for weight loss.  For a million other things yes (including lots to do with health) but it does not actually assist weight loss all that much.  So my perspective on exercise has changed so so so so so much.  Nowadays I walk in the morning with my kids because I know it makes me feel better and is supposed to help with the depression I struggle with.  I go to Zumba (dance exercise) because it is so much fun.  I go to Yoga and Pilates because it is relaxing and I like stretching and feeling myself getting better.  I like thinking I’m building a stronger, better me.  I do bodyweight exercises at home (usually 50 of pushups, squats and situps on days on which I don’t get any other exercise) because I want to get stronger and I like the challenge and feeling of accomplishment.  I  want to grow old and be flexible, strong and capable.  I want a strong ‘future me’.

I never ever think I’m doing it for losing weight.  I rarely think that I need to exercise because I ate or will eat something caloric.  I’m guessing thinking that way in the past made me think of exercise as punishment so of course I was not so keen about it.   Also exercise became something I only did when I was focussed on weight loss because the reason I was participating in it was for weight loss…so when my focus on weight loss went away, the exercise would stop.

It is freeing and so much more fun to think of exercise as something I get to do; as a privilege to move one’s own body (as we know many cannot for various health and other reasons) It is also really fun to consider it a challenge ….the challenge of building my flabby body into something new and different.  I have never been super fit.  I am so excited to see where I can go with this consistency.

And so I just try to move my body every day…amazing!  Where will God take me next?

 

 

 

 

Food Poisoning

Weight:157.6

I have a bad habit of wanting to save food – at almost any cost.  In the last few months, I have had terrible food poisoning two times from eating questionable food – food that I could taste was somehow off and still I continued on, despite not being hungry, despite the bad taste?!? (I have no idea what is wrong with me)

Of course my husband always reminds me that storing/saving food on my hips is really not helping anyone, including my weight loss efforts but I think these latest bouts with food poisoning has really gotten me thinking twice about all my wily ways regarding saving food.  I just really need to learn to chuck food!

Bad stomach pain for four straight days (although one night I did eat homemade artisan pizza and a giant cookie at a friend’s house) meant I did not eat very much and thus of course I’ve lost a quick two pounds.  I don’t want to make too big a deal of it but it is a teeny bit exciting being solidly in the 150’s….can’t lie!

I also feel like I look different for the first time since early January.  I mean I feel like there is a change in my appearance and I actually look like I have lost a bit more weight.  It has been slightly discouraging not really seeing any changes in the mirror for going on 2 months.  I really should take some progress photos!

I’ve read before that weight loss can kinda be like growth spurts in the opposite direction.  That we sort of plateau along for some time and then suddenly have a drop in weight.  Seems that is the case with me.  I just need to persevere with the slow periods and not take the lack of weight loss as a cue to dive into a vat of chocolate.  (as if that ever made any sense but see the comment in brackets at the end of the first paragraph!)

 

Building God’s way

weight: 159.4!!!!!

(How long have I wanted to be back in this decade of weight?!!?  amazing…all praise to God…He held my hand through some very dark days where all I wanted to do was face plant into chocolate)

In the Bible, there is a passage likening those who apply God’s word to their lives as building their house on bedrock that will not see the house fall during storms.  In contrast, those who build their house on sand are those who don’t apply God’s word when building their lives.  When storms come, this type of house falls. (Matthew 6:24-27)

I was listening to a sermon regarding this passage recently and he made an excellent point that it was much harder work in ever way to build on the bedrock.  First of all it had to be sought after and dug deep for unlike the sand.  The whole process would take longer and be much more work.  There would be a much longer period when there would be a mess around as the building continued on.  Also building on the bedrock meant that there would be more sacrifice upfront in terms of cost and shifting priorities in the builder’s life.  People may not even understand why you are so slow and messy in comparison to your neighbor and sneer at you.

This is how it is to put God’s words into application in your life.  When times are good,  doing it God’s way (honesty, integrity, commitment…etc.) looks like a lot of hard work with equal or even less gain.  For example, you will keep much more money in your pocket if you cut some easy corners in reporting your taxes. Caring about others and their welfare is slow, unappreciated work.  The very people you are trying to love may very well not notice or thank you.  When you choose not to have sex outside the marriage bed, that may mean a life of celibacy while unbelieving friends seem to be having the time of their lives.

My own experience has borne out over and over again that when I have chosen to do things God’s way, in retrospect I am so grateful I did!  When the storms of life hit, I was not shaken as I could have been.  For example, I chose not to lie about my credentials as many fellow students did.  Later those students were expelled and I was SO grateful I had not followed my baser instincts and stayed true to God’s word.

What does this have to do with weight loss?  I think that for so long I was just not willing to accept the role of hard work and perseverance  in losing weight.  There were times I despaired of even losing a pound – seriously!  But I think God is really teaching me that building something that will last takes character…and I am building that character through this journey….if that makes any sense?  In fact, I guess, I’m not even really rebuilding my body.  I am building character….that is what I believe God is teaching me through this challenge of having a carb sensitive body.

Like I said, I have not been white knuckling it but on the other hand there definitely is this process I’m undergoing where God is teaching me his sufficiency through depression, in the face of food temptations.  Only through walking with Him, have I been able to successfully negotiate these challenges that would see me stumbling every time.

Sorry for waxing on eloquently as I have arrived somewhere and have the unlocked the secrets of the universe.  I guess for me this solid move into the 150’s feels so momentous and like a real breakthrough.  It is so encouraging to see some steady and consistent progress instead of the constant yo yo.  I guess I wanted to write down what has been happening in my heart to turn this corner.  Praying I continue!