This one was TOUGH!! Woke up feeling very tired and drained…(did not sleep well last night coz I was hungry!)…anyway I powered through the morning with 2 young kids with some added help from the hubby who was working at home today. I mentally gave myself permission to take it easy for the next 2 days so there was lots of TV for the kids.
I also made a bone broth to drink and had lots of that. When I vowed to fast I included this in my vision so I don’t feel this is breaking the vow. Hubby felt a bit differently on the issue but the vow is between me and God and my conscience I think is clear. (I guess in retrospective I realized that the bone broth kinda got me through the day and the whole point of a fast is to depend on God to get through the day)
I even went for a half an hour walk, pushing my big little kids in a double stroller! even uphill! Felt okay though.
I only wish that I had spent more time in prayer and Bible study instead of seeking distractions. I really want to be filled with His spirit…not worldly fasting methods.
Weight this morning: 160.4 whoa!! (not looking forward to seeing this number climb when the eventual weight gain after fast happens…boo)
(on a somewhat happy and tortorous note, I have been planning my fast breaking meal…there will be some carbs in the form of curried lentils and a few grains of rice, eggs and fresh green salad will round it out….mmmmm….can’t wait!)
This second day was largely uneventful. It was made exceedingly easy by the fact that I went to visit a friend with two kids. The day just whizzed by and I barely noticed my hunger. My biggest challenge comes when trying to feed the kids…whether that means tasting food that I am cooking for them or wanting to eat the tasty morsels that they so prodigiously waste.
The only time I felt any kind of weakness was when we were walking uphill from the park…I could feel my calves kinda firing weirdly….they were begging from mercy from the food-less state. Just two more days my friends…just two more days!!🙂
Interestingly, when Sid came home he said that I was moving more energetically than usual. I said ‘you know me best babe…so it must be true’. I certainly feel a bit clear in the head maybe?!?
Final point of interest is the weight this morning: 161.3!!!! (of course I’m sure it will all come charging back at the end of the fast but I wanted to note for prosperity lolz)
I was severely tempted by not one but TWO social events with super yummy food on my first day of the fast. I almost caved when Sid’s cousin served up some delicious Sri Lankan food for lunch. Sid reminded me of my vow and I went outside and prayed. I was rationalizing in my head that I had been sick, was feeling weak, etc. therefore I should eat already BUT if I was being perfectly honest, I just did not want to keep my vow. I was just getting greedy for the food set before me. My decision to break my vow was simply based on the momentary temptations.
Thankfully mostly because of Sid’s urgings and watchful eye (I felt guilty breaking the fast in front of him since he knew about it….the rationalizations did not hold water under any kind of scrutiny), I abstained from eating at lunch (just pretended to take a bit of food and all was well). I abstained as well when I was at a friend’s house for church. The latter engagement was much easier to manage. (I guess the Lord knew I could only handle so much as the kids got minor injuries and we had to leave as soon as church was done so I didn’t have to stand around watching everyone digging into delicious food, making excuses)
When I spent the evening praying a bit…I thought about how the Bible talks about people who keep saying they want to hear from God but then they never take it seriously or do what God says. Eventually God stops talking to them. I wonder if I would have gotten sick today if I had eaten? I am guessing not….because God is just not an enforcer like that. I feel that if I had eaten today, he would have just let me alone to my own devices because obviously I was not willing to heed his correction of yesterday. I think if we want to know Him, God is so willing to help us but if we don’t want Him, he accepts that decision.
Anyway, I am SO happy I stuck to the vow truly by the grace of God. I know I will need his strength to continue on this path. I really do want to hear His voice in this noisy world…so hopefully this is a step in the right direction.
Hit a new low weight today: 163.2!
A large part of that was due to some nasty food poisoning yesterday. I ate some pasta sauce that had been sitting out for 5 hours. I take the illness as the Lord’s discipline though because I had actually vowed earlier that I would fast for 4 days if we were able to miraculously recover some Day One (app) entries that had gone missing on my phone. Well we found them and then I promptly started eating everything in sight, forgetting my vow and giving into the moment of stress relief. Even Christmas chocolate I was saving for the kids was gobbled quickly. A few minutes later I was SO sick and in the washroom for a good half hour sweating buckets, throwing up all over myself etc.(I will leave it to the imagination what the etc was)
I had recently heard a sermon that one of the ways you know you are the Lord’s disciple is that when you step off the path he swiftly helps you get back on the straight and narrow. LOLZ🙂 So at least now I know that I’m with the Lord. He was not going to let me break my promise to him. I take it on faith that it was correction from him and I am glad. Also a bit scared to put another morsel in my mouth until Wednesday at 6 pm. Lol. We will see how this goes. No doubt I will have to really rely on Him to see me through till then.
I had attempted a 5 day fast a few months ago but was finished by day 2.5. I woke up so weak that I felt like I was going to faint. Let’s hope for better this time around.
I know this all sounds kinda hocusy pocusy to those who are not believers….and even to believers that it might feel that I am reading way too much into circumstances. I totally understand that but I just wanted to document this experience and my personal interpretation (that may very well be wrong?!) for prosperity. It is interesting to me as I go through this journey trying to walk closer to God and I really want to have a record of events as I try to walk intimately with Him.
The scripture in James does say, “draw near to him and he will draw near to you”
(are my titles getting better?)
This morning my weight was 164.2. (yes!)
Today I made some of my classic, usual weight loss sabotage moves that can be SO frustrating. I was going to write about the latest low weight but I guess I just need to write out some of these mistakes I keep making over and over again in hopes that I will stop making them.
- eating the kids’ leftovers! There was some week (and a half probs) old oatmeal that Sean refused to eat (probably coz it tasted gross lolz) and I just couldn’t bear to put it in the garbage (because waste!) so I gobbled it. It was pretty tasteless and not particularly tasty for all the carbs and (I believe) triggering it resulted in.
- letting myself get too hungry – I practice a lot of intermitten fasting (partly for spiritual reasons, partly for health). Sometimes I try to push the envelope a little when I wake up and not eat until later in the day. I think on non-fasting days it is better just to eat a really filling, fat-filled, tasty brekkie and then I set myself up for victory. Obviously this is a delicate balance that I still need to figure out because sometimes I feel great after the initial great hunger. Part of the reason that GROSS oatmeal mentioned above got gobbled was because I was really super hungry when I went to dispose of it and before you knew it I was eating it. When I faced putting the oatmeal in the garbage, I had no will power left and my primal ‘i’m hungry’ brain along with my ‘don’t waste it’ thoughts colluded and down the hatch it went. ARGH!
- having baked goods on hand – will I ever learn? Not good for anyone in my family (including my kids) and still I don’t even want to trash some cookies that I had already offered the kids the day before. They just sat in the fridge and in a moment of weakness, GOBBLED!!! Again they were not even particularly good. When I am strong, I think I can have just about anything lying around but it is just not a smart strategy for me.
- not throwing old food away (kinda related to 1) – maybe this is a reiteration but I think it bears repeating for the third (?!!) time. Why in the world am I hanging onto food that is not good for anyone? Whether it was the oatmeal or the cookies or the seriously stale half a blueberry muffin from 2 weeks ago, why do I keep it around after the initial offer? I need to practice trashing food that is not good for us.
- neglecting to pray through stress and annoyance – I deal with a lot of anxiety and stress throughout my day from negative thoughts about what a bad mom I am to how I should be more efficient and engage the kids more, make better memories, etc… I really need to be in constant prayer and surrender these thoughts and accusations to God. The baked goods were eaten when I had come to the end of a long day. Should have prayed instead
- perfectionism/black and white thinking – The oatmeal really was subpar…I didn’t stop eating it because oh well, I had already started….The cookies were not great but now I was in full on binge/ throw myself down the stairs mode. Especially same thing with blueberry muffin, it was stale bordering on moldy (ewww!..) but I switched off any rational part of me and just went into hiding mode and kept eating it. Because anyway I had blown it…might as well right? Argh! I really need to stop and say every step in the right direction counts. Even if I had stopped half way when eating that would have been better than eating it all. I hate having that I’m on or off the bandwagon mentality. So destructive. I much prefer the perspective of every moment doing my best.
So I have eaten a total of 10 large chocolate cookies over the last few days but I weighed in at 165.2 (lowest yet for this go around in the weight loss game). Of course I have been this weight since the beginning of the cookie filled days so obviously the cookies have caused a stall of sorts.
(btw – how GRATEFUL am I to have my digital scale back? my parents came from Canada and brought it…I love it so much because it actually registers a difference on an on-going basis…partially because it weighs in pounds but also because it is just better quality and able to detect the subtle changes.
My mistake was making them in the first place but what do you do when you have a little girl who begs to make such thing? Next time I need to have an exit strategy for those cookies set in stone.
My biggest challenge is keeping the spiritual fire going.
(a lot of my blog post titles seem to have the word ‘update’ in them…how boring…need to change this up)
In less than 2 weeks, I have lost a little over 4 pounds. The physical reasons are simple – avoided all sweets, ate mostly low carb, fasted 1 day a week, fasted more than 12 hours most days, etc. Exercise has not really been there but the results speak for themselves…I have been a beast when it comes to staying the course on the diet front and it has made a difference.
With all the research I have done, I have known for quite a while what I need to do to lose weight. The challenge has always been implementing the knowledge. The difference I see is that I am focused on my relationship with God. I mean I have not really even exercised all that much. Pursuing God has filled up this hole in me that is always aching to be filled. Often I use food to fill that hole…filling it with God is so much more fulfilling, peace-giving, satisfying and enjoyable.
Along with ‘taste and see the Lord is good’….I have been thinking of the scripture that says ‘deny yourself.’