Fighting Extremism in Myself

I once went to a therapist for about 6 months.  It was expensive and time consuming but useful.  The main reason I had started was to address my work issues around procrastination.  I still remember her excellent advice to just do something however little….when I complained that that would not get me anywhere at work since there was so much to do…she asked what my current method was accomplishing?  LOL…my method was resulting in nothing being done at all so she was right.  Even something miniscule accomplished is better than nothing.

She also talked to me about black and white, all or nothing thinking.  I struggle with that type of thinking in every area of my life.  Either I am super mom who does everything with the kids or I am laying on the couch mindlessly surfing the net while my kids watch TV all day.  My kids are either eating plain vegetables for a snack or it is cheetos.  Seriously, so crazy.

Yesterday, after a long week of fights with my dad, my husband being out a few nights and the usual negativity and criticism in my own head about my mothering, I got a night ‘off’ courtesy of my generous hubs.  I literally could not think of anything I would rather do then sit down and eat chocolate, alone.  How pathetic can a person get?  I even asked myself whether I could just take a walk or a bubble bath or read a book uninterrupted…..but no….6 chocolate bars chomped! (yes, you read that correctly).  The last few, I ate even when I did not feel like it (because who knew when I would get another chance?)  After the crazy had settled, I had 1 last purchased bar which I ended up getting up late at night to gobble (because after clearing that from the house I could start a fresh in the morning you see)….when I had had time to think about how crazy I was being.  Seven chocolate bars in one night….a new personal record (shamefully!)

Predictably, I woke up quite chastened and vowed that I would have a healthy breakfast.  Initially I was even considering skipping breakfast and ‘fasting’ but I quickly recognized that such an extreme reaction was not going to help matters.  I was literally in the ‘binge-fast’ cycle.  I did have an extremely healthy, low carb (but delicious) meal and vowed to never touch another high carb meal again!!!  We all know how that went right? (yup, flatbread and chicken curry for lunch! argh!)

It seems I managed to avoid the initial extremism but quickly got into it again with the totally perfect breakfast and vows about low carb.  And then after falling for a carby lunch, my first thought was “I’ve blown it, might as well go get that giant milk shake that I love so much”…..see what I mean by ‘all or nothing’ thinking?  argh!  Back and forth, from one extreme to another.  Absolutely crazy.

Well I was saved today by talking to my husband about the situation.  He was compassionate and tried to help which seemed to be exactly what I needed.  It also helps immensely if I can sit down and make myself write a blog post.  I don’t have any easy solutions but at least I avoided the usual pitfalls today through some intense self-reflection.

If I am to get healthy, you will be seeing a lot more of me in this space.

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Here we go again…

I don’t even want to weigh myself to begin although I know I should.  I know I am bigger than where I’m comfortable. Such a state is bound to happen when one has large McDonald’s shakes most nights

I will weigh in a few days and let you know. Really just want to focus on healthy behaviours.

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Darkness and Light

 

(Wrote and saved this a year ago.  Decided to publish it now coz it still resonates)

As I get older, I really struggle with depression.  It seems to be cyclic and based on my hormonal patterns.  It is a real challenge to feel hope and positive some days.

Yesterday was one of those days.  It did not help that I was impatient and angry with my kids because we were late for school.  We try to walk to school (20 mins one way for little legs) and sometimes I am literally dragging/carrying them the whole way.  It really gets me down when the morning starts like that.

I was disoriented and dark almost the whole day.  I do believe it is a mild depression as depressions go but what do I know, how do I compare?  It is oppressive and so hard to do anything.  I wander around the house while my little one watches tv not sure what to do (I understand I am so privileged to be a stay-at-home mom who has that luxury!)

My husband prayed with me and has been really supportive.  This morning I woke up early to spend some time with God (upon hubby’s suggestion).  I was reading through 1st John and it really struck me how God is LIGHT.  There is a scripture in psalms which reads:

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

I have always loved that scripture but it had new/deeper meaning for me today as I reflected on how dark and heavy I felt.  It was encouraging to think that God has the ability to turn that weight off of me, that his appearance makes darkness dissipate.  I am not alone and helpless and hopeless – LIGHT is there, willing and able to shine in my life.

What can I do?  Turn to the light (through prayer, biblestudy, fellowship with other believers).  Trust He is there.  Hope in His rescue.

Howdy Ho!

I’m preggers with my third child.  We were not planning this latest happy surprise but I look forward to having a cute little baby soon.

I think I started my pregnancy around 163 pounds and now find myself around 161 pounds (at the doctor’s office in the middle of the day with my shoes and clothes on, including jeans and sweater!)  The first trimester was difficult with loads of depression and feeling generally unwell.  I spent a lot of days just laying on the grass in the sun in my backyard because I always felt cold and sick.  My poor son has really learned to play by himself.  The kids are the only thing that got me out of bed most mornings because of how sad and bad I felt.  So grateful that period is over. Needless to say I lost a few pounds during that period, probably getting into my mid-150’s again.  Not a real problem as I am an overweight mother and doctors advise that we should not put on as much as weight.

Just wanted to pop on here and tell my blog what was up with me.  I was inspired by this quote by Brene Brown today:

“I’m not very creative” doesn’t work. There’s no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t. Unused creativity doesn’t just disappear. It lives within us until it’s expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.”

I was reminded how much I needed to be creative and get ideas out there.  I need to create.  I hope I can do more small bits of it every day.

Another week, another pound!

Weight: 163.8

Obviously I have not been able to reign it in very much.  Has there been a lot of anxiety? Yes! More than usual?  No (I don’t think so).  What’s the difference then?  How I am dealing with the anxiety.  I need to take this fear in my heart to God.

Actually, I woke up this morning feeling pretty happy because yesterday night there was a major battle in my heart to go buy a chocolate bar after yoga class and I resisted (by some miracle of the Lord!).  I reasoned with myself, I prayed, I very nearly gave in….but I did ask myself some important questions that helped:

1.  Will one chocolate bar be enough? (no, the lust for them is endless, I could eat countless of them…nothing is ever enough)
2. What about my goals and my dreams?  (being obsessive about food keeps me tracked in an endless cycle of self focus which means I never get to focus on the purpose God made for me)
3. At some point, am I going to want to return to eating healthily? (yes, of course! so what is the point to sabotaging myself now or giving up?  I can’t afford to lose this battle)

I also prayed and somehow steered my car safely home as opposed to the gas station treats (pathetic, I know!).

I was a bit sobered by the number on the scale still as I had not even dinner because I had been full from lunch.  Anyway, just need to keep fighting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 days of failure

I have not been able to stay away from the Easter chocolate.  I wish I would just wisen up and boot all the chocolate from the house BUT I have small children and they like to keep some. (yes, I actually have been stealing my children’s chocolate – pathetic)  This morning I got side tracked again by my old nemesis (NOT WANTING TO WASTE FOOD, especially expensive food) some old persimmons were sitting in the fridge and I knew it was either down my hatch or garbage because they were looking old around the edges)  Knowing I am only supposed to eat one PALEO meal a day and I was planning that for the BBQ later, I still went ahead and ate them….frustrating!  Then I opened the freezer and chocolate eggs were staring me in the face and it was all too much.  I gobbled them up too.  But all this began with feel frustrated that I lost my daughter’s ‘gratitude journal’….have looked all over and no sign of it.  THis makes me sad because there are a lot of great memories recorded in that journal and it upsets me when we lose track of these things because she always insists on taking them and keeping them.   THen of course I felt overwhelmed by the fact that I was not sure what to do next to best use my time while the kids watched TV after breakfast.  That mild anxiety led to this food mini-disaster.

(Also I had a Mcdonald’s breakfast followed by two of their yummy apple pies yesterday. That was yesterday’s failure, hence 2 days of failure.  There were chocolate eggs that morning too. I need to remember two things 1) that their breakfast is just not as yummy as it used to be and 2) no matter how many of their apple pies I eat it will NEVER be enough. So might as well not start on those bad boys.

So what should I do now?  Typically, I would just throw the towel for at least the day but what I learned in February this year is not to make the stumbles a total fall.  The quicker I pick myself up, the better I will do in every sense.

My plan is doggedly to complete as much of my checklist today as possible….even if I did already fail about not eating sugar and keeping it to one meal.  Maybe I can just make the chocolate eggs and wafers the end of things for meals today?  Not sure, don’t want to let myself get too hungry, especially when I am so vulnerable and teetering of late.

A month later!

I cannot believe it is almost a month later that I’m typing here.  I guess it has been a busy and undisciplined month.  I really wish I had blogged/journalled my way through it.  Anyway, no time like the present to repent and return to healthy habits including writing/blogging/creating.

First, since I have been regularly updating my weight: 162.4  What this number does not show is how I went down to 155.4 about 2 weeks ago and then slipped into depression, went on a mini-trip and totally crashed/trashed myself by consuming about 1000 pieces of chocolates.  That is what I did but ultimately it always comes back to my emotional needs.  That big hole in my heart needs/craves something.  If I don’t stuff it with God…then chocolate seems to be the go to – unfortunately!  Of course it did not help that it was Easter and sweets were everywhere.

I got super duper fancy and decided to make myself a checklist like my previous 40 day checklist on Excel.  It took a bit of time, it is not perfect but I like it.  This time it is in celebration of my milestone birthday coming up!  I’m excited to see where God will take me with what I have put on my checklist like taking time to be kind each day, having fun with the kids, staying away from sugar and reading 10 chapters of the Bible daily.  I’m also committing to sleep with my family and not stay up uselessly surfing the net.  So tough but SO worth it.  I will feel better sleeping on a regular schedule.   It tends to be something that informs all my other decisions.  As we say in my family, a great morning begins with a great evening the day before!