Another week, another pound!

Weight: 163.8

Obviously I have not been able to reign it in very much.  Has there been a lot of anxiety? Yes! More than usual?  No (I don’t think so).  What’s the difference then?  How I am dealing with the anxiety.  I need to take this fear in my heart to God.

Actually, I woke up this morning feeling pretty happy because yesterday night there was a major battle in my heart to go buy a chocolate bar after yoga class and I resisted (by some miracle of the Lord!).  I reasoned with myself, I prayed, I very nearly gave in….but I did ask myself some important questions that helped:

1.  Will one chocolate bar be enough? (no, the lust for them is endless, I could eat countless of them…nothing is ever enough)
2. What about my goals and my dreams?  (being obsessive about food keeps me tracked in an endless cycle of self focus which means I never get to focus on the purpose God made for me)
3. At some point, am I going to want to return to eating healthily? (yes, of course! so what is the point to sabotaging myself now or giving up?  I can’t afford to lose this battle)

I also prayed and somehow steered my car safely home as opposed to the gas station treats (pathetic, I know!).

I was a bit sobered by the number on the scale still as I had not even dinner because I had been full from lunch.  Anyway, just need to keep fighting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 days of failure

I have not been able to stay away from the Easter chocolate.  I wish I would just wisen up and boot all the chocolate from the house BUT I have small children and they like to keep some. (yes, I actually have been stealing my children’s chocolate – pathetic)  This morning I got side tracked again by my old nemesis (NOT WANTING TO WASTE FOOD, especially expensive food) some old persimmons were sitting in the fridge and I knew it was either down my hatch or garbage because they were looking old around the edges)  Knowing I am only supposed to eat one PALEO meal a day and I was planning that for the BBQ later, I still went ahead and ate them….frustrating!  Then I opened the freezer and chocolate eggs were staring me in the face and it was all too much.  I gobbled them up too.  But all this began with feel frustrated that I lost my daughter’s ‘gratitude journal’….have looked all over and no sign of it.  THis makes me sad because there are a lot of great memories recorded in that journal and it upsets me when we lose track of these things because she always insists on taking them and keeping them.   THen of course I felt overwhelmed by the fact that I was not sure what to do next to best use my time while the kids watched TV after breakfast.  That mild anxiety led to this food mini-disaster.

(Also I had a Mcdonald’s breakfast followed by two of their yummy apple pies yesterday. That was yesterday’s failure, hence 2 days of failure.  There were chocolate eggs that morning too. I need to remember two things 1) that their breakfast is just not as yummy as it used to be and 2) no matter how many of their apple pies I eat it will NEVER be enough. So might as well not start on those bad boys.

So what should I do now?  Typically, I would just throw the towel for at least the day but what I learned in February this year is not to make the stumbles a total fall.  The quicker I pick myself up, the better I will do in every sense.

My plan is doggedly to complete as much of my checklist today as possible….even if I did already fail about not eating sugar and keeping it to one meal.  Maybe I can just make the chocolate eggs and wafers the end of things for meals today?  Not sure, don’t want to let myself get too hungry, especially when I am so vulnerable and teetering of late.

A month later!

I cannot believe it is almost a month later that I’m typing here.  I guess it has been a busy and undisciplined month.  I really wish I had blogged/journalled my way through it.  Anyway, no time like the present to repent and return to healthy habits including writing/blogging/creating.

First, since I have been regularly updating my weight: 162.4  What this number does not show is how I went down to 155.4 about 2 weeks ago and then slipped into depression, went on a mini-trip and totally crashed/trashed myself by consuming about 1000 pieces of chocolates.  That is what I did but ultimately it always comes back to my emotional needs.  That big hole in my heart needs/craves something.  If I don’t stuff it with God…then chocolate seems to be the go to – unfortunately!  Of course it did not help that it was Easter and sweets were everywhere.

I got super duper fancy and decided to make myself a checklist like my previous 40 day checklist on Excel.  It took a bit of time, it is not perfect but I like it.  This time it is in celebration of my milestone birthday coming up!  I’m excited to see where God will take me with what I have put on my checklist like taking time to be kind each day, having fun with the kids, staying away from sugar and reading 10 chapters of the Bible daily.  I’m also committing to sleep with my family and not stay up uselessly surfing the net.  So tough but SO worth it.  I will feel better sleeping on a regular schedule.   It tends to be something that informs all my other decisions.  As we say in my family, a great morning begins with a great evening the day before!

 

Recovering Slowly

Weight: 156.6

I’m feeling somewhat better today.  So very glad that is the case.  There is still some lingering discomfort from the food poisoning but at least I’m on the end!  woo hoo

Even though I was not feeling 100%, I went to a dance aerobic class yesterday and pilates/yoga class tonight.  The first class I had to stop halfway due to feeling ill (headache coming on and pain in ma belly) but tonight’s class was okay.   I have not gone to Pilates in a while  and I am experiencing some regression in my ability to keep up.  However, I just kept trying to finish each exercise set.  I really look forward to the time when I can actually ‘do’ the entire class.  I was almost there before (hard to believe).  I will be there again!!

So let us talk about that weigh in, shall we?  I mean it just kinda blows me AWAY!! seriously.  I am almost at the weight I was before my second pregnancy (more than 4 years ago)  At that time I was really working on losing weight and getting healthy and had finally gotten to 155 for the first time in my post-university life.  That weight really is another turning point weight for me.  AMAZING….(of course I must curb my enthusiasm a bit since  this weight will most likely shoot up  once I am fully recovered and back to normal eating…we will see because honestly, I’m just not that hungry these days, sticking with my 1-2 meals and not craving the sweets etc…leading me to believe I’m in the holy grail of ketosis….like I said, we will see 🙂

I’m hoping by April 1st that I will be 155…which is only about a pound away.  My goal is just to continue eating low carb, high fat consistently steering clear of sugar and continue to enjoy consistent exercise….

….and I do mean ENJOY exercise (who is this alien writing this blog??  do not know her anymore)  Ever since I did so much research about weight loss, I am so convinced that exercise is not where it is at for weight loss.  For a million other things yes (including lots to do with health) but it does not actually assist weight loss all that much.  So my perspective on exercise has changed so so so so so much.  Nowadays I walk in the morning with my kids because I know it makes me feel better and is supposed to help with the depression I struggle with.  I go to Zumba (dance exercise) because it is so much fun.  I go to Yoga and Pilates because it is relaxing and I like stretching and feeling myself getting better.  I like thinking I’m building a stronger, better me.  I do bodyweight exercises at home (usually 50 of pushups, squats and situps on days on which I don’t get any other exercise) because I want to get stronger and I like the challenge and feeling of accomplishment.  I  want to grow old and be flexible, strong and capable.  I want a strong ‘future me’.

I never ever think I’m doing it for losing weight.  I rarely think that I need to exercise because I ate or will eat something caloric.  I’m guessing thinking that way in the past made me think of exercise as punishment so of course I was not so keen about it.   Also exercise became something I only did when I was focussed on weight loss because the reason I was participating in it was for weight loss…so when my focus on weight loss went away, the exercise would stop.

It is freeing and so much more fun to think of exercise as something I get to do; as a privilege to move one’s own body (as we know many cannot for various health and other reasons) It is also really fun to consider it a challenge ….the challenge of building my flabby body into something new and different.  I have never been super fit.  I am so excited to see where I can go with this consistency.

And so I just try to move my body every day…amazing!  Where will God take me next?

 

 

 

 

Food Poisoning

Weight:157.6

I have a bad habit of wanting to save food – at almost any cost.  In the last few months, I have had terrible food poisoning two times from eating questionable food – food that I could taste was somehow off and still I continued on, despite not being hungry, despite the bad taste?!? (I have no idea what is wrong with me)

Of course my husband always reminds me that storing/saving food on my hips is really not helping anyone, including my weight loss efforts but I think these latest bouts with food poisoning has really gotten me thinking twice about all my wily ways regarding saving food.  I just really need to learn to chuck food!

Bad stomach pain for four straight days (although one night I did eat homemade artisan pizza and a giant cookie at a friend’s house) meant I did not eat very much and thus of course I’ve lost a quick two pounds.  I don’t want to make too big a deal of it but it is a teeny bit exciting being solidly in the 150’s….can’t lie!

I also feel like I look different for the first time since early January.  I mean I feel like there is a change in my appearance and I actually look like I have lost a bit more weight.  It has been slightly discouraging not really seeing any changes in the mirror for going on 2 months.  I really should take some progress photos!

I’ve read before that weight loss can kinda be like growth spurts in the opposite direction.  That we sort of plateau along for some time and then suddenly have a drop in weight.  Seems that is the case with me.  I just need to persevere with the slow periods and not take the lack of weight loss as a cue to dive into a vat of chocolate.  (as if that ever made any sense but see the comment in brackets at the end of the first paragraph!)

 

Building God’s way

weight: 159.4!!!!!

(How long have I wanted to be back in this decade of weight?!!?  amazing…all praise to God…He held my hand through some very dark days where all I wanted to do was face plant into chocolate)

In the Bible, there is a passage likening those who apply God’s word to their lives as building their house on bedrock that will not see the house fall during storms.  In contrast, those who build their house on sand are those who don’t apply God’s word when building their lives.  When storms come, this type of house falls. (Matthew 6:24-27)

I was listening to a sermon regarding this passage recently and he made an excellent point that it was much harder work in ever way to build on the bedrock.  First of all it had to be sought after and dug deep for unlike the sand.  The whole process would take longer and be much more work.  There would be a much longer period when there would be a mess around as the building continued on.  Also building on the bedrock meant that there would be more sacrifice upfront in terms of cost and shifting priorities in the builder’s life.  People may not even understand why you are so slow and messy in comparison to your neighbor and sneer at you.

This is how it is to put God’s words into application in your life.  When times are good,  doing it God’s way (honesty, integrity, commitment…etc.) looks like a lot of hard work with equal or even less gain.  For example, you will keep much more money in your pocket if you cut some easy corners in reporting your taxes. Caring about others and their welfare is slow, unappreciated work.  The very people you are trying to love may very well not notice or thank you.  When you choose not to have sex outside the marriage bed, that may mean a life of celibacy while unbelieving friends seem to be having the time of their lives.

My own experience has borne out over and over again that when I have chosen to do things God’s way, in retrospect I am so grateful I did!  When the storms of life hit, I was not shaken as I could have been.  For example, I chose not to lie about my credentials as many fellow students did.  Later those students were expelled and I was SO grateful I had not followed my baser instincts and stayed true to God’s word.

What does this have to do with weight loss?  I think that for so long I was just not willing to accept the role of hard work and perseverance  in losing weight.  There were times I despaired of even losing a pound – seriously!  But I think God is really teaching me that building something that will last takes character…and I am building that character through this journey….if that makes any sense?  In fact, I guess, I’m not even really rebuilding my body.  I am building character….that is what I believe God is teaching me through this challenge of having a carb sensitive body.

Like I said, I have not been white knuckling it but on the other hand there definitely is this process I’m undergoing where God is teaching me his sufficiency through depression, in the face of food temptations.  Only through walking with Him, have I been able to successfully negotiate these challenges that would see me stumbling every time.

Sorry for waxing on eloquently as I have arrived somewhere and have the unlocked the secrets of the universe.  I guess for me this solid move into the 150’s feels so momentous and like a real breakthrough.  It is so encouraging to see some steady and consistent progress instead of the constant yo yo.  I guess I wanted to write down what has been happening in my heart to turn this corner.  Praying I continue!

 

The Aftermath

Weight: 160.4

I feel like I have been inching my way to the 150’s for a long time.  I feel like it has been forever since I have been below 160.

The reality is that if I had not nipped that bender in mid-ish Feb in the bud I would not be dreaming of the 150’s right now.  Instead I would have bounced back up the scales like usual.

What am I doing right these days?

-enjoying my food but keeping it relatively low carb, avoiding fruit (they actually don’t really appeal to me these days!), having very small portions of lentils and rice (the two carbs I can’t seem to shake lolz)

-lots of intermitten fasting.  no specific schedule but just really listening to my body about hunger.  If I’m not hungry I just don’t eat.  Easy enough to do with two small kids to keep up with (funny how they can be a hindrance or a help in my mind depending on my perspective)  Some days I have only one meal…most days I have 2 meals.

-exercising pretty regularly mainly coz I built exercise into my life by forcing my 3 and 5 year old to walk 20 minutes one way to drop off my oldest to school.   This is what makes sense for me regarding exercise…make it part of what you are doing in life anyway.  Bike/walk commute to work, go to the grocery store by walking, garden, cleaning the house intensely….the whole concept of working out as a separate activitiy is such a new one.  In times past, our lives were actual, physical work…and when the day was done you could rest.  I love walking.  Probably my highlight of every day is walking home after dropping off the oldest.  SO peaceful….there is a some push back from the kids regarding this walking regime(our next door neighbor drives her daughter to the same school)  But I stick with it for my health and theirs.  Walking is good for everyone!

-I’m also getting back to taking classes at the gym but I see them more as fun and some time out.  Not really to lose weight.  I’m grateful to have learned and developed that perspective.  In the last four days, I have been to a Zumba, Yoga Pilates and HIIT exercise classes.  Wonderful to have some time a few times of week for some constructive me time.

-learning about discipline and walking with God.  I think understanding that I am developing discipline has helped me so much in holding back from indulging when I feel depressed.  That was my downfall over and over again.  I would have some success and then wake up depressed and head to food for solace.  I am learning the discipline of faith during dark days and it is helping so much to trust in God’s presence even when I don’t necessarily ‘feel’ Him there.  What a powerful life lesson!

 

I may not have perfect routines in my life but there is a consistency which has meant that I am actually seeing some progress on the scales. That is so encouraging.

Another key point to note is that what I am doing is very sustainable and easy.  There is no white knuckling here.  If I am hungry…I get to eat and it is always delicious and lucious food….being such a foodie, I have to eat yummy food to stay the course.  I could see myself eating and moving this way for the rest of my life.  In fact, the foods I eat now are exactly what I would like to continue eating.  The only exception might be sweet, sweet chocolate/desserts in general.  However, I am not craving them which is an amazing thing.