My most dangerous self

My most dangerous self is the person God designed me to be.  I would be dangerous in the sense that

-I would expect more from myself …which would lead to expecting more from others

-I would be going after my dreams, living out my purpose and of course that is bound to ruffle some feathers because real dreams are never safe

-I would inadvertently threaten those who continue to live out their lives in quiete desperation

-I would be taking risks, calculated, but they would still be risks

I originally thought of this post title in very simplistic terms…literally that  if I lost weight then I would be my most dangerous self.  I kinda cringe now at how shallow my thinking was regarding my body and life.   Did I really think that women being threatened by my ‘beauty’ was the pinnacle of ‘dangerousness’?  So silly.

Today, I understand that losing weight would just be a by product of a growth, a maturing into my most dangerous self….and the losing weight part is not even inevitable.  But I do want the attitude/heart growth.

(people the craziness above is what happens when I write late at night – sorry in advance lolz)

Battling Inertia

On Sunday, guests brought pumpkin pie and chocolate ice cream as dessert to a gathering at my house.  I LOVE pumpkin pie.  I LOVE chocolate ice cream.

Taking a pass on those bad boys on Sunday felt like such major deprivation, that I found myself discussing the matter with my husband that night.  What a major victory that I did not succumb to their delicious seductions but honestly?  I felt like I deserved a treat (at least a gold star!!!) for putting up this fight.   And it was depressing thinking that the battle had just begun.  I had to do this all over again tomorrow and the next week? till eternity…? argh!

My husband reminded me that all things like riding a bicycle or learning a computing language are difficult when you begin, but soon it becomes second nature.  That I was just beginning to practice healthy habits that were important to me…so yes, to battle that initial inertia around changing these habits is difficult but there will come a time when it will be easy IF I STICK WITH IT  e.g.  IT WON”T ALWAYS BE THIS HARD because I will have built over days and weeks and months and years(!!), a healthy living groove that I will be jiving in and enjoying.

It was really encouraging to think about weightloss/healthy habits from this perspective. IT WON’T ALWAYS BE THIS HARD.   Yes, it is really hard to do a plank on the first day of exercise, but was it just my imagination or on Day 3 did it seem just a little bit easier?  (folks currently I struggle just getting into the plank position so you see the only way to go is up…lol)  And I actually felt a tad proud of me and this old bod for putting it out there on the floor like that.  It felt good to challenge my body, challenge myself.  Just like my physical body seems to have grown or stretched a bit so am I….and it is just a little exciting, I have to say.

I think I have long underestimated the power of habits.  How bit by bit they can transform my life.

“Habits are cobwebs at first, cables at last” (seen this attributed as Chinese and Spanish proverb)

Inspiring?

You may not believe this but more than once, real life friends, who occasionally read this blog, have told me that they find my writing inspiring..  (other words have also been used but let’s stick to this one since I find it so mind boggling)

Huh?  what is inspiring about an overweight (and getting more overweight has been the sad trend around here) person rambling into the interwebs about her very developedworldesque problems (oh no I’m fat, oh no I have so little time for myself)?

I should ask next time what it is they find inspiring but for now I’m guessing that it is simply their humanity responding to my humanity.  What I mean is that I think our gut always recognizes, craves, is drawn to, and honours honesty.  There is too much that is unreal in our world and when we see even a crack of another’s real heart, it is inspiring in the sense that we can be a little more accepting or kind to ourselves.

I don’t know if that made sense but I do hope I will always be honest.  That is the point of this blog for me anyway.  And that is what I like best about it as I read past entries.  I love whatever glimpses of honesty I see there…and it inspires me to be more honest going forward.  Maybe I have not been that way lately and I would like to return to more honest posts.  Also coz they are the most fun and therapeutic to write.

TMF- 170.2

Well, well, well…the Sanj actually shows up on the 18th with a post as I had promised.  Didn’t expect that did you?  (neither did I, hahal!)

Anywho, a whole lot of mental anguish and analysis paralysis later, here we are at basically the same weight as last week.  I consider this a victory because I was really not focused on my four pillars which make up my sanity routine outlined previously.  A run down on each is below;

1.Time with God?  I did try some days but honestly, it has been so DRY spiritually.  And as one preacher memorably explained, “If your relationship with God is boring, remember there are only two people in that relationship…and God ain’t/can’t be boring!!”  So yeah…I need to dig deeper here to connect.

2. Workouts?   There was a lot of low level movement with the kids as we were out and about in beautiful weather.  Little mini hikes with the nature program my daughter is involved in, etc.  BUT that focused time at the gym did not happen as I hoped.  I guess hoping it will happen is just not good enough.  Surprise (sarcasm dripping…)

3.Creative Expression?  Not really.  My excuse is that my Ipad keyboard is busted but that is just an excuse.  Didn’t make the time, just internet surfin’ and letting life pass me by.

4.Sugar free?  Candy bars (notice the plural), donoughts (notice the plural), and other desirables (notice the plural!!!!) were consumed in almost utter abandonment on more than one day.  That is all I can bear to say on the never-forgetting internet.

So you see why I am happy we are at the same place weight wise?  There was really no fighting this week, just whining and giving in.

However, I will give myself a star for eating relatively well around the binges, which I believe helped me at least maintain.  A small victory as I am such a black and white thinker.  “Oh I stubbed my toe (e.g. ate too much pasta for lunch?)? Might as well throw myself down the stairs (e.g. into a pool of chocolate)”

It is a game of inches…and this girl needs every inch she can get.

TMF – 169.6

I was doing a lot of things right and could not seem to break down out of the 170s….then last night just had a carb fest where I ate as much yummy pasta as I wanted WITH potato salad…and low and behold this morning: out of the 170s (however briefly)….Go figure!

I kinda feel like I never want to see the 170s again.  I think the best way to achieve that is to not step on the scale this week and just put my heart into the right stuff (channelling new kids on the block for a moment there…are you with me?) for the next week.  Difficult to do but I think it is the healthiest. (coz then I won’t play this game of seeing what I can ‘get away with’ argh!) Shall I make a pledge to not step on the scale again until July 18th?? Will report back on that date.

You might be wondering what the right stuff is….well, a while back my mentor and wise mommy friend told me to figure out what my absolute bottom line basic needs were to stay sane in the face of mommying two little children (especially when mommying is NOT your strength!)….it took me almost one year and a half of tweaking but I think it is this:

a)  spending some quality ALONE quiete time with God

b) vigorous exercise for at least 20 mins

c) creative expression/alone time (very specifically writing on this blog is SUCH a release for me that it is kinda embarrassing to admit considering that everything here amount to a whole lot of (mostly) navel gazing…but really it helps me so much!!)

d) No sugar (the less grains too the better but at least if I can stay away from the outright, blatant stuff like choco bars and pastries it is pretty helpful)

In my busy season with my small ones, you can imagine the first 3 are difficult.  But I must confess to late night blog reading surfing that I found if I put aside I could wake up to have enough time to do the first three….and if I can do those three, number four becomes much less difficult…because I feel centered and I feel reminded of my ultimate purpose and daily purposes through the first three practices.

I need to work these four like my life depends on it…(it kinda does)….wish me luck!

On Judging Not

I came to a new insight (for me anyway) on why Jesus warns us to judge not.  For those who are not familiar with the Bible the  relevant scripture is as follows:

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged.  Do not condemn and you will not be condemned.  Forgive and you too shall be forgiven”  Luke 6:37

I used to interpret that scripture mainly as a warning that others (and most importantly, God) would evaluate and measure us according to the measure we use on  them/others.  And that may still be accurate…but I realized, Jesus may also be warning us that such a spirit of judgement and self-righteousness will turn back on the owner.  Even for the non-believer, a judging and condemning spirit is a poison first and foremost for themselves.  To judge, one must place themselves on a pedestal and no one is perfect all the time.  Thus,  self-condemnation, denial and defensiveness follows when one inevitably fails to measure up to their own demanding and unforgiving standards.   We are creating our own prison with a judging heart, our own worst critic.

My personal experience has been that I am sometimes a very judgemental person towards others but I am ‘careful’ to hide that under a veneer of politeness and charm.  However, I am coming to see that my judging ways are not really hidden as I have been brutal to myself and it affects others no matter how smooth I think I am.  Being unkind and ungracious to others and myself in my thoughts (if not always in my words and actions) really freezes the process of growth and healing. As I think of it now, the times in my life where I have experienced the most growth and joy have been the times in my life where I have been the most humbled and willing and accepting of grace.  …and when you see your need for grace and accept it, you have no problem sharing it with others as you know you are no different then they are.

Maybe this all seems very abstract?  I thought I would illustrate with an example:

I look at an overweight woman passing by and think, “wow, she is so fat, look how sluggishly she moves, must not be working out, how could she sit there eating chips when she is already overweight”  Later on that day, as I am sitting eating chips, of course I am going to be so vicious to myself to the point where I run and hide from that meanie in my mind…by eating more chips, totally out of control with disregard to my satiation .  Because how I deal with bad feelings and anxiety and stress (feelings produced by said viciousness) is by eating.  Yeah, not a good cycle.  (and by the way if food is your drug/poison of choice, my bet is that harshly judging the fat lady will lead you to your addiction even if you are thin)

Meanwhile, if I my heart is full of love not judgement, I might still notice an overweight woman as such (since weight has been a life long issue for me, I always notice) but my thoughts would be either a reminder to myself not to pass judgement (I know zero about her and her life after all), or be compassionate and empathetic in nature as I struggle too (although this lady may not, who am I to say? again do not know her…lolz)  And later on when I am eating chips… I’ll enjoy my chips.

I’m Depressed BUT…

…surprisingly have not turned to food yet.  Usually food is all I can think of and then later after I am surrounded by crumpled empty bakery bags, I feel calmer and saner.

There is no plan except to fight.  To earn a fighting spirit somehow.  Everytime I think about my weight, I quite literally do some jumping jacks.  I know it is silly but it is just a reminder to me that I am learning to fight…tooth and nail, whatever it takes.

AND maybe this was not the case earlier, but it is clearly so for me now.  I am not necessarily motivated so much specifically about weight loss but character.  I want change somewhere somehow and I am picking this beast for a number of reasons.  It is my path of growth quite simply.

I am going to crawl on my elbows through this thing and I am going to arrive on the other side triumphant.