Reasons Motherhood is Stressful

‘Coz I am a raging, raving Perfectionist!!

Exhibit A for your consideration:

I had some letters to mail (thank you letters from the family for some people hosting us and gifts given to the kids).  It has been stressing me for a while because the kind gestures are from last October!! and still nothing has been sent out.  Today I had some time to mail it and I hesitated because I wanted my daughter to be involved and draw a picture to say thank you from her (it is so important for me that she learns about gratitude and thanking people from a young age) and also wanted to take her to the post office so she could see the goings on of a post office (you know, learn about adult interactions and the post office by practical life experience).  It was especially salient to me today because I noticed her watching a bubble guppies show today talking exactly about the post office and I thought how cool would it be if I could take her to actually experience it first hand.  Anyway, I realized that it was  better to just get this niggling to do DONE and over rather than try to wait until the stars align and I have all the post stuff, her and in the right location for her to have this experience.  She is only three….she will have plenty of opportunities to draw thank you cards for people and see the post card.

(I know this is elementary reasoning for the sane population but for me the analysis paralysis perfectionist this was a mini breakthrough thought and action (e.g. to just mail them and get it done rather than waiting to do it all with her)

….and that is why I am constantly stressed and my husband thinks I’m nuts for it…I try to do everything perfectly and according to this vision I have and constantly get stuck(and of course he is right ;)

Playing With Fire

Folks, I come to you today from inside of a Tim Hortons cafe (for my one US reader that is our ubiquitous coffee and donut shop here in the north – everyone loves this place and they are almost literally on every corner).  Talk about playing with fire….many a time I have ‘escaped’ from life’s stresses or emotional events by crawling into one of these places and greedily ordering as many donuts as look good to my desperate eyes and then furtively gobbling them up while reading a newspaper in the corner.  Talk about ESCAPE.  I told myself during those occasions that:

– I deserve it

-I need this

-this is the last time

-(similiar as above) It is my last hurrah before really buckling down and taking this weight off

-I turn my mind completely off and don’t think anything except ‘shovel food, quickly, before you think”

We are talking easily 3-4 donuts and then I might have a large hot chocolate and cookie for good measure on top of those….and then I would feel relaxed and maybe a bit later I would feel suitably chastened and guilty and then the cycle would continue.

Today I was forced to leave the house for some alone time as my hubby tells me the kids are much harder to care for if I am around as they constantly want to be around me (I know, how sweet…but also slightly suffocating sometimes …haha :) and I could not think of any better options.  I knew I was playing with fire to come here and I don’t suggest or recommend for you or others with my struggles to put themselves in this kind of position at all.

BUT EXCITINGLY, currently all I have beside me as I write is a giant green tea with nothing in it.  I have somehow achieved this moment of transcendence b

of the following factors:

-I already stuffed myself at lunch (but not with sugar so I give myself credit)

-I had a bit of a sugar binge last night so maybe I am in the repentant part of my cycle but to still give myself credit in the  past maybe I would have been like I have blown it so why not just continue

-but it has helped to think of it as STOP NOW, just persevere and move forward

-why not just live the life of the person I want to be now instead of waiting for that person to appear and then doing those things?

-I prayed before coming here that somehow God would help me to resist the urge to escape with sugar

…but I have not left this place yet so let me not be so arrogant as to think I won this battle.  Wish me luck!

Remain in Me

So I’ve been thinking a lot about why there has been so much craziness around food ?recently?  Certainly, restrictive diets don’t help.  I also feel this pressure to get this right for my children’s sake.  And I have no solutions….so I started listening to messages on the Bible (long story but I have been feeling burnt out by reading the Bible and it has been a struggle to feel connected to God…but I had no where else to turn) and came across one which discussed John 15.

“Remain in me and I will remain in me.  For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine…” John 15:4

In the past, I would have read that passage once and moved on…but since I decided to give up trying to be all that I am supposed to be (according to me) (bible guru that kind of thing)….I thought I would simply just read this passage every day this week and think about it.  Pray about it.  Read a commentary saying that it is two parts one that we make choices to do what is right (remaining in Him) and two that we depend on Him to fulfill those choices (Him remaining in us).  That was a really useful and practical for me.  This week when both kids were sleeping and I walked by the Second Cup, I just prayed to God that he would give me the strength to pass on by.  And for whatever reason, I did not think of it again.  Praise God.

I am also really grateful to my husband because this week one morning he found crumbles from my night escapade with pecan tarts (again!) and instead of getting mad at me and really emotional he had an honest and humble talk with me about how it made him feel….and in fact the first thing he asked was were you feeling overwhelmed? (something I had asked him to ask me since when I am turning to food like that it is more about stress and anxiety more than anything else)….It was so good to feel his support and get his honest opinion about things and talk about my failings (yes, I was feeling childish last night) without condemnation but with expressions of wanting to help and understand.  He also encouraged me that moment to just get up and go work out which was also a helpful thing to do.  (not to work out calories necessarily but really just to get into a health positive frame of mind again….I tend to so have the all or nothing , black and white thinking of ‘well I ate those pecan tarts, might as well just eat the ice cream….instead of saying “stop now’ …move

on…working out reminded me that I wanted to do good things for my health).  I appreciated his calmness, honesty and his solution oriented demeanor.  This was NOT easy for him as he is very concerned about my health.

Anyway, that is my update.  Started my daily quiet times more of a priority (focussing on Remain in me) and working out….baby steps, my friends.

After the storm

For the record, the current weight is 168.2.  Which is pretty awesome considering how derailed I have been recently.

Today was my first clean day in awhile.  I am so grateful.  Was tempted when the hubby came home to rush downstairs and get a pecan square BUT  I told myself I don’t really want that….I want to be FREEEEEE.  Free of being a slave….and when did that pecan square ever save me or help me?  just temporary mind turn off holding pattern…that is it….I just come back to same stress and more problems….because now I’m craving more, husband is discouraged, I am unreliable to myself, I have more weight to deal with.  More problems because I eat….gotta find other ways to escape.

Here I am writing….don’t want to be so arrogant to say that I have avoided the binge since I have been known to run off in the middle of the night when the family is sleeping to the Rabbas to get junk to inhale.  But since I ate carb free for the most part today, I feel pretty good about my chances.  Wish me luck

Painful Truth

The painful truth is that I have been eating a lot of bad stuff and lying a lot about these eating transgressions (to my poor devoted and faithful husband who has been fastidiously whole 30ing it for the last 21 days).

When we were engaged, I told him straight up that I would not marry someone like me.  He should have listened.

I do feel sorry for him though.

(Hope this does not sound too flippant….this post is part confession, part laughing on the outside, crying on the inside)

Random Thoughts on a Saturday

1.  Ain’t technology grand?  I am the luddite of luddites and yet I just figured out BY MYSELF (as in without asking anyone!!)  how to connect my husband’s ipad to the Mcdonald’s wifi….I KNOW it is not because I have become more savvy…they’ve dumbed things down and made them so intuitive these days that almost all you need to have is the ability to read to navigate stuff.  WOW!

2.  Am I just about the most arrogant lady in the world?  I went to two different puppet perfomances aimed at the preschool crowd this week.  (one of the presenters had a master’s degree in preschool drama (no, I didn’t know you could get one of those either)  During both I was mostly thinking how much better of a job I could do (along with enjoying watching the delight of my progeny – that was fun so obviously these presenters weren’t so bad).  And actually the masters lady’s handmade sets and props and puppets were darn impressive….I’m talking more about animation and the like, of their voices and singing.  Anyway, I had brief thoughts about becoming a children’s puppeteer (right after I learn how to spell that).  I could blow these people out of the water I’m pretty sure…I suspect there is no money in it but honestly what is holding me back is lazinesss (and two small rascals that I have comitted my life energy to caring for but I have been suspecting for quite a while that they are actually just my latest excuse)

3.  Strange phenomenon witnessed.  No matter how bad one’s childhood was, parents always cite said childhood as the reason for not giving or providing their child with something (there is an opposite side to this too which will be discussed at a later date as different dynamics are at play there).  E.g. “I didn’t have all those fancy clothes as a kid, so why should he?”  THe implication here is that I turned out fine therefore it must not be important to have fancy clothes.  Especially funny when the parent has known issues (as every parent usually does).  I find myself saying this often to my husband, even though we would both agree I am pretty emotionally disturbed haha. What I am trying to say is that no matter how crazy we are, most of us think that we are basically okay and want our kids to turn out like us for the most part.  When I really think about it, I want better for my kids (as I am sure most other parents do too) but I find myself resorting to the same logic….*sigh*  my poor kids

Just Writing After the Binge

It is late.  The family is sleeping.  And I wanted to write.

I want to write that I had a ?binge? today which involved 2 butter tarts, 1 giant coconut cream pie, a huge slice of cheesecake and most of a big oatmeal raisin cookie.  The butter tarts were phenomenal …the rest I could take or leave and literally threw a small bite of the cheesecake out.  (It was actually a surprise when it dawned on me that I could give myself permission to throw it away)

I question mark binge because it was kinda lunch….lol! (as in I did not have any other meal at that point)

If my son wasn’t with me, I was hoping to write my thoughts down before the binge.  But alas, it was not to be…so I thought I would write them after.

I am frustrated with my weight because I stayed away from sugar for 1.5 weeks and still the scale barely budged.

Wish my life was not so navel gazing…truly sad that I am sitting here writing about this topic when others have actual life and death issues they are dealing with.  Now I wish I could be more kind and gentle with myself.  I would never have told a friend that.

My thoughts after a binge?  I feel calmer like I have gotten it out of my system.  Which I know intellectually is not true…it never gets out of my system.  the threat of a month without treats looms so I am blaming that for my recent outbreak.

I thought I was sick of sugar for at least the moment but then I begged for a bit of chocolate from my dad (for medical reasons he always has a stash tucked away somewhere)

Feeding the monster never works…is the sad sad sad truth.

But maybe it is not a monster after all?  Maybe it just likes a cookie or sweet thing every day.  Is that so terrible?  Maybe if I did not think it was so terrible it would be enough?

I have no answers tonight my friends.