July Weight Update

Better late than never right?

So things stayed pretty much the same…about 163.5 ish.  It has been a roller coaster of a month to be honest.  I’m actually really grateful that it has stayed relatively the same.  To have kept off those pesky 5 pounds that piled on last year is such a relief.

So what has been causing me to stagnate?  It is a mental battle.  When I stumble, I really sometimes just throw the towel in and just say forget it and start sneaking food and doing all sorts of crazy things.  I really wish I could stop having such a black and white thinking about the process….I have discussed earlier how I feel that for me moderation is not workable with sugar….so that is black and white isn’t it?  so how do I deal with the times that I am practicing eating well and I inevitably stumble…how do I be gentle with myself and just make the best decision in the next opportunity? instead of falling down a self-defeating rabbit hole of hiding out and bad feelings.  This is what I am trying to figure out.

One answer is social connection.  If I can talk to someone about it right away and just even TALK about the stress or situation that led to the ‘stumble’, I think that helps a lot.  I often don’t reach out because the craving monster hits strong and I’m actually not ready to stop quite yet.  BUT that is SO counterproductive and I keep going in circles and circles and cycles through the same happenings.  I need to learn to just connect and pick myself up ASAP.  This requires perseverance and charachter – 2 things I’m sorely lacking.

Weight loss is definitely going to have taught me that if nothing else.

(what I have written above is pretty crappy and vague and half-hearted ….but in the spirit of renouncing perfectionism…I’m publishing it)

June 1/2016 Weigh In

I know we are a third of the way into June, but I wanted to update my fellow weight warriors (imaginary since no one reads this blog but whatevs😉 on where I am at.

On June 1st the unthinkable happened…after a month of struggles, I was ‘rewarded’ with a 1 pound weight gain. (163 pounds)  Honestly, this memo from my weight scale sent me on a tailspin for a few days, hence the silence on this here blog.

I mean c’mon people?  I am asking for just a measley 2 pound loss after one month of at least most days putting up a fight, ya know what i mean?  And I didn’t even technically maintain?  (although really 1 pound change is really nothing to get my panties in a knot over considering the usual fluctuations of a woman’s weight)  Yeah, I was upset even though I knew I should not be.

As I have been somewhat mindlessly self-destructing over the past few days, I have been circling back to my relationship with God.  April was a month that I really focussed on my relationship with God and that focus helped me to find the strength to deal with my stress and make small choices that ended in victory.  In May, buoyed by my new-found success, I was more or less trying to do things on my own strength….I was even planning a post about what was contributing to my current success (the 5 pound loss in May) and connection with God was not really at the forefront of my mind.  You bet it is now.  “Apart from me you can do nothing” Jesus said.  True words for me in my life for sure.

Please don’t think I am suggesting that God is some genie in a bottle that you get to rub and have a tit for tat relationship(as in if you worship me, I will give you that or help you lose weight)….I don’t believe in that kind of transactional relationship with God at all.  I am just sharing my honest experience that connection with God is the source of all real strength and change for me.  Truly if that meant not another pound of weight loss ever again, I would still want and desire that connection with God.  While frustrating, there is truly nothing more important and I do find life really pointless without Him.  I guess in June, I once again lost sight of the fact that I was using the journey of weight loss as a tool to build my character and get me closer to him….NOT using him as a tool to achieve weight loss.  That I was leaning more toward the latter was clear in that I so quickly abandoned my times with him once I started tasting sweet success in the weight loss.  Embarrassing but true.  Thank goodness God quickly showed me the error of my ways and reminded me again of how depressing and lonely life is without him….not only because of the lack of weight loss (or not at all because of that) but because of how pointless things were without Him…..and with Him, all things can be sweet.  Amazing but true.  May God continue to humble me and show me that everything is all about His glory not mine.

Middle of the Month

I was asking my husband recently whether he thought it looked like I had lost weight.  He told me that it is not about the weight.  It is about health and my long term avoidance of diabetes (runs in both sides of my family), etc.

I know, I know…but.  Losing weight and feeling my clothes fit better and looser is such an exciting and rewarding feedback.  The health stuff is so nebulous.  Frankly, although I was/am a little (approx 50 lbs) overweight my conventional(as in cholestrol, blood sugar) health numbers were absolutely stellar (even better than my superfit and younger husband’s cholestrol check up).  So I cannot really look for improvement there to get some rewarding feedback for the denial of sugar that I am trying to continue.

In a previous post I wrote about some of the benefits of going sugar free for me (maybe I need to go back and read it?)…weight loss was just one of many.  But it is concrete and measurable and so easy to track unlike my mood or even sleep….(both of the latter two have not been that great of late)

So I am going to try to focus on the NSV’s (non scale victories) for encouragement that I am going in the right direction.  Changes I would like to see:

  • better mood
  • more energy
  • better sleep
  • do a full pushup
  • when I wake up not to feel groggy but energized for the day
  • feeling/getting stronger

Recently my mood has been so bad and I feel so bloated and big.  Not really sure why that is.  I did do a quick peek on the scale (oops!) and thankfully at least I’m maintaining at 162.5 so not sure why I feel so big and don’t feel like my clothes are looser like I did when I started losing weight (within 2 weeks I seriously felt and saw a difference in my weight).

Hmmm…I kinda feel bad literally navel gazing on the internet about my weight when other people have actual, serious problems in life.  My hope is that I can sort out my health/weight/food obsession and live my true purpose to help people.  Is that naive?

may 1/2016 Weight Update

First the number:  162 lbs

I know right???  Amazing!! OMGoodness.  According to my very imprecise scale I have lost 5.5 pounds in one month.  In all my years of weightlossing, I have never had such a big loss to report…mainly because I have always tried to do things on a weekly basis before.  It really is so gratifying and encouraging to take this longer viewed approach.

Mind you, I did cheat throughout the month and snuck a few peaks at my weight when I just could not wait the seemingly endless days to that May 1st date.  I really wanted to know how things were going.  However, I kept coaching myself that all I was looking for was a 2 lb loss and I would be happy with that.  That kept me from kinda losing my mind when I saw 165.5 even a week and a half ago.  If I had been looking for a bigger loss by the end of the month, such a number would have really been discouraging.  So glad I have managed my expectations so that I can persevere through.

I guess this goes to show you how much losing weight is such a personal thing and you really need to get to know yourself to be successful.  I have learned/am learning how EASILY I can get discouraged and feel like I am going nowhere in weightloss.  This fact has seen me throw in the towel on SO many attempts at losing weight because I was looking for change over the course of a week and sometimes the scales just don’t move in such a short period of time.  Giving myself a month AND a very minimal goal, guarantees a victory, which I am learning, I really, really need to keep it together.  In a mere week you could have a stall or some bloating or a bad day and be thrown off your game.  A month is a long enough chunk to see the general trend, while still being short enough that you have a good idea of what is going on.  I like it!

So definitely I will only be reporting my weight again on June 1st….and I will continue to be looking for that 2 lb loss again!

Btw, do I think this is just 5 pounds and should be more?  Well you are talking to a woman who was expecting just 2 pounds lost and had only lost a measly 2 pounds for the month of March….so actually I am pretty CRAZY ECSTATIC about 5 lbs being lost for April.  Seriously, over the MOON.  If I take a moment to compare myself with other weight loss stories around the web then sure it seems like nothing…but you know what?  I just don’t care.  I have no desire to compare and I am just pleased as punch

Practicing Self-care

Yesterday I wanted to go to a Pilates class at my gym.  This requires a lot of careful negotiations as my children are not so keen to go to the daycare there.

I’ll be honest, as I entered that Pilates studio, I felt a pretty big pang of guilt.  What if something happened to them the hour they were out of my protection?  Is this fair to them or good for them as I had bribed them with popsicles for going into the care?  I felt selfish and like a bad mother (especially for the bribing bit)

The children woke up late.  They were whiny.  They didn’t eat much of a breakfast (so subsequently we ate fried chicken burgers and fries for lunch from the not so fresh cafe at the gym….after the popsicles! argh!)  It really felt like pulling teeth to get there.

But I made it and for the most part (except for the chicken burger and fries bit), I am happy it came together.  It felt good to be in the class and I felt like I was affirming myself and my needs.  I thanked my daughter afterwards for giving me the time away.

Maybe because I grew up with a mom who did not take any time for herself and gave of herself 100%, this is such a hard balance for me to strike.  I do want to show my children that practicing self-care is important and I want it for myself too.  Practicing it is just hard.  It requires great self-love and gentleness.

Feeling Uninspired

I came here to write because it has been a while (a week) and I really want to keep up the habit of writing.

I also came because there is only one week (exactly) left of April.  Will I see a loss this month?  Surely the last two weeks have not been my best though I did keep trying to be consistent…just got blown out of the water at times.  Right now I have the familiar low level grrrrrrr for anything chocolate going on in my system.  I’m sure it is all the sweets I consumed yesterday (and today) at social events throwing me off.

I don’t want to be this person.  I have so many ideas and plans I want to get going on.  I don’t want to feel that my life has passed me by.

It seems the only thing between me and my dreams is SUGAR (dramatic much??).

A few posts back, I mentioned how I manage the situation when I do eat outside of LCHF; basically expecting the cravings and just waiting them out.

But honestly?  It is SO much easier just to avoid that challenging cycle altogether and just not eat things that trigger me.  I mean look at me…2 weeks on and still not able to gather myself together after a deviation. Generally there are lots of delicious things to eat that fit within my eating plan and I really, really enjoy the clarity and peace with food that I experience when going low carb.

So what I am saying is that I plan on pretty much never eating another sweet thing ever again….don’t know if I will make it and I know it sounds crazy and not do-able…but like everything else in life there are choices.  You literally can’t have your cake and it eat it too (which never made sense to me, but whatever)  One night, my husband and I talked through the tradeoff I was making:

Eating whatever I want (even in moderation) means I am always in a cycle of struggling with food.  I find myself hiding food, my focus narrowing to just food and I pretty much am always considering when I can get my sweet fix.  BUT I get to experience sweet, sweet tasty pleasure for that one minute or so that I eat that thing.  It is an intense, truly (cover your eyes children) orgasmic pleasure so not to be dismissed too readily.

Avoiding that stuff means that  I feel a brief pang when faced with desserts (especially new desserts because I’m such a foodie) but it is easy enough to pass up and I don’t even think about it afterwards.  Also:

-peace with food

-can focus at social gatherings on connecting with and serving others (core value for me)

-lose weight (life long struggle, the impetus of this blog)

-all the energy I focussed before on food and weight loss (very unsuccessfully mind you), can be directed to pursuing things that are so rejuvenating like writing on this blog, continuing to live out my values and finding my life’s passion.  I mean look at all the blog posts I was writing here when the ‘food was calm’…I was writing so much that I could have posted two a day!! And now I was barely inspired to even start a post??  huge difference

-my husband says I’m a completely different person when I’m off the sugar, so much saner and together…and I feel that.  My mind is focused, I’m more purposeful.

-alleviation of depressive symptoms.  When I am going through sugar cycles I feel so tired and my mood can be all over the place…often I feel very down for no reason.

-physically I have so little energy…I just want to curl up in a ball and lay in bed ….thinking (my favourite pastime when I’m on the sugar)

-spiritually, I was experiencing a personal revival which has been so encouraging.  I was getting up at 4 or 5 am and spending time with God and I am so grateful

-I can be a much better mother because of greater physical and mental energy

The question is really what all do I need to avoid to achieve this peace and clarity long term without too much struggle?  (e.g. not giving up too much, but also not having to constantly battle craving feelings)  Clearly for me sugar is the biggest deal…considering how the wheat threw me off…flour should also be on that list.  In the past, too many sweet potatoes and rice got me into trouble.  So there you go, no sugar or flour.  Limited quantities of other grains/starches.

Seems simple enough.  Off to take some small positive steps.

 

One of those weeks?

It was a difficult week from start to finish I guess.  I ended it on Saturday night with a binge on (terrible, gluten free, saw dusty) chocolate chip cookies.  I probably had 8 big cookies.  Seems crazy when I write it down.

What were the events leading up to the downfall?

-Monday kinda started rough and then I had very carby meals for some self-soothing

-that kept going all week and since they were all ‘good’ carbs (except for Wednesday’s cupcake and hot chocolate…just realized that I had those by re-reading the blog…wow, am I ever self deceived!!)…I thought it would be okay

-then I was left alone with a tub of cookie dough on Saturday…and the rest is history

What have I learned?

-maybe others can self-soothe with food…but I need to find something else.  Someone with my history of lacking control over food should I guess.

-if I have a carby meal I should not precede that with more carby meals as eventually I will be faced with sugar and I just DON’t have the power of control when I am cruisin on carbs

Unfortunately, Sunday night was also a binge fest where I had 12 ‘fun’ size choco bars…probs the equivalent to 2-3 full size choco bars.  Yeah, so things are a bit out of control.

What is the plan?  I’m planning to just go very strict LCHF so that I can get off the crave cycle…argh!  Hopefully that will clear my head.