After the storm

For the record, the current weight is 168.2.  Which is pretty awesome considering how derailed I have been recently.

Today was my first clean day in awhile.  I am so grateful.  Was tempted when the hubby came home to rush downstairs and get a pecan square BUT  I told myself I don’t really want that….I want to be FREEEEEE.  Free of being a slave….and when did that pecan square ever save me or help me?  just temporary mind turn off holding pattern…that is it….I just come back to same stress and more problems….because now I’m craving more, husband is discouraged, I am unreliable to myself, I have more weight to deal with.  More problems because I eat….gotta find other ways to escape.

Here I am writing….don’t want to be so arrogant to say that I have avoided the binge since I have been known to run off in the middle of the night when the family is sleeping to the Rabbas to get junk to inhale.  But since I ate carb free for the most part today, I feel pretty good about my chances.  Wish me luck

Painful Truth

The painful truth is that I have been eating a lot of bad stuff and lying a lot about these eating transgressions (to my poor devoted and faithful husband who has been fastidiously whole 30ing it for the last 21 days).

When we were engaged, I told him straight up that I would not marry someone like me.  He should have listened.

I do feel sorry for him though.

(Hope this does not sound too flippant….this post is part confession, part laughing on the outside, crying on the inside)

Random Thoughts on a Saturday

1.  Ain’t technology grand?  I am the luddite of luddites and yet I just figured out BY MYSELF (as in without asking anyone!!)  how to connect my husband’s ipad to the Mcdonald’s wifi….I KNOW it is not because I have become more savvy…they’ve dumbed things down and made them so intuitive these days that almost all you need to have is the ability to read to navigate stuff.  WOW!

2.  Am I just about the most arrogant lady in the world?  I went to two different puppet perfomances aimed at the preschool crowd this week.  (one of the presenters had a master’s degree in preschool drama (no, I didn’t know you could get one of those either)  During both I was mostly thinking how much better of a job I could do (along with enjoying watching the delight of my progeny – that was fun so obviously these presenters weren’t so bad).  And actually the masters lady’s handmade sets and props and puppets were darn impressive….I’m talking more about animation and the like, of their voices and singing.  Anyway, I had brief thoughts about becoming a children’s puppeteer (right after I learn how to spell that).  I could blow these people out of the water I’m pretty sure…I suspect there is no money in it but honestly what is holding me back is lazinesss (and two small rascals that I have comitted my life energy to caring for but I have been suspecting for quite a while that they are actually just my latest excuse)

3.  Strange phenomenon witnessed.  No matter how bad one’s childhood was, parents always cite said childhood as the reason for not giving or providing their child with something (there is an opposite side to this too which will be discussed at a later date as different dynamics are at play there).  E.g. “I didn’t have all those fancy clothes as a kid, so why should he?”  THe implication here is that I turned out fine therefore it must not be important to have fancy clothes.  Especially funny when the parent has known issues (as every parent usually does).  I find myself saying this often to my husband, even though we would both agree I am pretty emotionally disturbed haha. What I am trying to say is that no matter how crazy we are, most of us think that we are basically okay and want our kids to turn out like us for the most part.  When I really think about it, I want better for my kids (as I am sure most other parents do too) but I find myself resorting to the same logic….*sigh*  my poor kids

Just Writing After the Binge

It is late.  The family is sleeping.  And I wanted to write.

I want to write that I had a ?binge? today which involved 2 butter tarts, 1 giant coconut cream pie, a huge slice of cheesecake and most of a big oatmeal raisin cookie.  The butter tarts were phenomenal …the rest I could take or leave and literally threw a small bite of the cheesecake out.  (It was actually a surprise when it dawned on me that I could give myself permission to throw it away)

I question mark binge because it was kinda lunch….lol! (as in I did not have any other meal at that point)

If my son wasn’t with me, I was hoping to write my thoughts down before the binge.  But alas, it was not to be…so I thought I would write them after.

I am frustrated with my weight because I stayed away from sugar for 1.5 weeks and still the scale barely budged.

Wish my life was not so navel gazing…truly sad that I am sitting here writing about this topic when others have actual life and death issues they are dealing with.  Now I wish I could be more kind and gentle with myself.  I would never have told a friend that.

My thoughts after a binge?  I feel calmer like I have gotten it out of my system.  Which I know intellectually is not true…it never gets out of my system.  the threat of a month without treats looms so I am blaming that for my recent outbreak.

I thought I was sick of sugar for at least the moment but then I begged for a bit of chocolate from my dad (for medical reasons he always has a stash tucked away somewhere)

Feeding the monster never works…is the sad sad sad truth.

But maybe it is not a monster after all?  Maybe it just likes a cookie or sweet thing every day.  Is that so terrible?  Maybe if I did not think it was so terrible it would be enough?

I have no answers tonight my friends.

TMF – 169

I came here to talk about weight.  I wanted to write down the current almost all-time high.  I got here with lots of stress (mom of little people – enough said, at least for me haha) and lots of angst over restricting food (as in I tried to get serious about restricting and ended up in more crazy eating).  Recently I dove a bit into the fat acceptance blog world and it was interesting and eye opening….especially regarding how restricting foods can cause us to overcompensate and overeat.  I had a few days in there where I allowed myself to eat anything at all I wanted.  Sure one night I ate 8 cookies but I did leave cookies uneaten which for me is a HUGE change.  Also I went to my parents and when craving chocolate and finding none did not scarf the other sweets I did find which is also super unusual.

Interestingly, one of the ladies that I was reading around how not to pass on sweet issues to your kids (Ellyn Satter), talks about being a competent eater in her book that I am dying to get (Secrets to Feeding a Healthy Family (I think that is the title).  Basically it starts with permission, giving yourself full permission to eat however much you want of whatever but just make sure it is within structured meal times…although there is some flexibility for honoring your hunger.  Exactly how you are supposed to feed your kid.

This is all very interesting especially as I re read some of my old posts about intuitive eating ….hmm…I had come to these same conclusions before and yet here I am re learning the same old lessons through painful trial and error.  At least this is one good thing about having a blog…you can see clearly how you 30 are running around in circles….hahaha

So the situation is complicated and I am not sure where I am going with all of this but my husband want to do a Whole 30 (RESTRICTIVE DIET) for the month of March together.  He wants to focus on his health and I want to support despite my inner misgivings  and what I have learned above.  I am hoping myself that it is only 30 days and I can then eat as I want afterwards will be enough to quell the overcompensating eating monster.

(I guess maybe I am fooling myself….)….will report back hopefully at some point.

To Be a Mother

To be a mother is to be a little body’s everything; his security, joy, comforter, supporter, eye-sparkle inducer.

…little arms are always reaching out for and little mouths are calling ‘mama, mama.’  All that is hopeless and desperate in the world can be transformed with your appearing, and tears and crying stilled with just capturing precious, sweet, soft flesh in your arms.

Sometimes in the never-ending constancy of this neediness and wanting and demanding, once can lose how very precious, special and fleeting such a time of motherhood is….soon enough, too soon as I have already experienced with my older one, wordless urgings and grunts become articulate thoughts and demands.  Just as babyhood is left behind in the planing of chubby cheeks, so too is it left behind in the refining of reactions and visceral utterings and needing.

I wanted to say that I have never been loved like this before and never will be again.  But really what is truth is that I have never been NEEDED like this before and never will again.  Thus, let me store the precious moments of SN

… calling ‘mama, mama, mama’ incessantly until he finds me whenever he sees that I am not in the same room

…tucking his little soft head into my neck and me feeling the tension release from his body when he is in my arms

… sitting in my lap,  trusting and resting and being at peace because he is with me and thus, all is well in his world….my presence is all it took

….him running and smiling when he sees me when I come home from the gym

….little arms reaching for me as soon as I am in sight anytime anywhere

…totally comfortable with where we are going and everything he experiences as long as I am calm and he is in my arms

Sometimes I comfort myself by saying there will be grandchildren or that there will be other little people I can babysit anytime, anywhere…but the truth is that those will never compare to the bond of mother and child.  It is dependence and complete trust and reliance that makes it such a sacred relationship, such a holy bond.

I am sorry SN for often just not being in the moment or paying attention or focussing on wishing to have a break…instead of seeing you, seeing your need and respecting and treasuring it.  Let me strive to remember that I am your world for this brief moment…not resent it but embrace it with my whole heart as  you carefreely do every day.  You have no anxiety or embarrassment about your need or vulnerability.  You fully and completely own each moment of your feelings and life.  Thank you for showing me how that is…it is lovely.

Please forgive me when I have ignored your cries or tried to give you to others to hold so I could get a break….sometimes those situations could not be helped but often I am just distracted or feeling selfish.  I pledge to just enjoy your love/need and trust you as you trust me.  Soon enough you will slowly break free….I want to fully embrace this moment so I can fully let go in that moment.

Let there be no half measures.

The Situational Paralysis Disease

I read part of the book of Ephesians yesterday and this scripture caught my eye, “”Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love…”  (Ephesians 5:1-2a)

One of my immediate thoughts was, ‘if only I was single, I could live that life of love…you know, just spend my days doing all kinds of nice things for people…wouldn’t that be so great?’  I am embarrassed about how silly that seems, especially written down.  First of all, I was single for 33 years and did not make this my focus and secondly, clearly one can live a life of love no matter where or what stage in life you are.  Sure you may have more discretionary time when single (in some cases), but still taking care of my kids is an act of love…it stretches and forces me to give and be patient like nothing else.

I have a really bad case of what I like to call the “situational paralysis disease”…I’m always waiting for something to change in my situation before I take action towards creating the life I want or getting things done that I would like to.  There is always something about my situation that is holding me back from what I want to do.  For example, when I was single, I felt that I had no time to do the things I needed to do to get healthy (e.g. workout and meal plan) and I blamed church, other people, my work, etc.  I also would think of Paris and be like ‘oh woe is me’ …I cannot go there because I don’t want to be in the ‘city of love’ without a partner…that would just be depressing.

Now as a mother of two (yes, my non-existent audience…I forgot to inform you that I just had another child in September…a son…he is literally the most chillest child I have ever met…haha…hence mommy writing so much these days) and staying with my lovely parents to get some much needed help, I catch myself saying, “Oh I’ll work on getting on a healthy eating plan, once I’m back home on my own since there are so many treats at my parents’ house – hard to exercise self-control here” (let’s not get into the irony of the last statement) or “I’ll start working out when I am back in my condo with such easy access to the gym”  or “I’ll start that project when I have a good hour to myself, undistracted” .  Well you know what?  a mom has only so few precious hours to herself and there are a myriad of things to be done during that time.  

So basically, I  blame my situation for lack of progress and am paralyzed from doing anything to further my goals or intentions.  Such a foolish waste as focusing on the circumstances ignores all the areas and things that are within my control that I can change.  And the most amazing thing is that the more I focus on what I can control, the more I control (does that make sense? Stephen Covey talks about this in his “7 habits of highly effective people”…genius must read by the way.

Every situation and stage in life has its challenges and its positives….the key is to focus on the things I can do and optimize those instead of being mired by the fact that my situation is not perfect for what I would like to accomplish.  It really is another form of procrastination stemming from perfectionism to think of ‘if only’s’ all day long as I have and continue to do….

Also there are unique opportunities that will be wasted in every stage if we continue to focus on what we do not have.  For example, it will be many, many years before I will be able to do a big hiking trip like Machu Pichu because I have tiny children.  Meanwhile when I was single, this was definitely a trip I could have taken even though Paris might have been depressing (although the latter idea is debateable).

Nowadays, I’m trying to practice asking myself “what CAN I do NOW towards that goal or dream?”  when I hear myself saying “if only” or “I wish.”  Hence, I may not be writing the magnum opus about child rearing and all the research around it that I would like to do BUT I am practicing the craft of writing itself through this blog and writing down simple day to day observations in my journal about my days with the kids.  Both will also serve to preserve memories of these busy and tiring but full-of-love days which I am desperate to do.

…also maybe I’m not doing the intense workouts, but I have cut out eating sweet stuff for the last few days and that has helped.  And maybe I cannot have long involved times with God everyday, but I try to spend a few minutes here and there with Him.

…and I am grateful.