Everyone is sleeping and I was laying awake when suddenly I thought of the delicious roasted, spiced cashews I had been gifted with earlier today.
Me want cashews.
But where will this end? Back in the infinity loop of insanity and frustration of my almost 40 years. Lose 2 pounds, gain 1 pound, lose 1 pound, gain 4….ad nauseum. Rinse and repeat, welcome to my boring, navel gazing no real problems having life.
3 things are stopping me from running downstairs and filling the gullet with tasty cashews:
- Promise to my husband: I promised him I would not have anymore after breaking them out after dinner. Integrity in even the littlest things matter. They matter A LOT. I find when I am in the grip of food addiction, integrity goes out the window. I have lied to my husband many times about food (and then confessed eventually- most of the time…) I just do not want to be that kind of person. God did not give me Jesus for me to live such a low, flesh-based life.
- Taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8) For some reason this scripture has been resonating in me the last 2-3 days. I was listening/reading spiritual resources about overcoming addictions and one thing that stood out to me is that I need to fill up on God first, not so much focus on developing control around food/learning to say no to it. When I was tempted by desserts at a social gathering today (melted ice cream (my fave!), cheesecake), I repeated this passage to myself and it focused me back on my goal: to know the sweetness of God, to be filled by God. It was the same tonight.
- Writing a blog post: I have said it before and I will say it again, writing is so therapeutic for me. Just thinking that I could get up and just write a blog post really steered me clear from the midnight snack idea. It gave me something else to look forward to instead of just a food high…(which leads me to think I may be a little bored…but that is a story for another post). I wish I could remember to write (and have the space and time to write) every time food havoc is on the horizon.
Bottom line, I am happy to report that I am no longer craving those cashews. Mission accomplished. Good night🙂
See what happens when I don’t stay accountable for 2.5 months – 7 pounds added back on. A few days ago, it was actually up to 172 lbs which is basically where I started so, yeah.
It is so frustrating going through the loop over and over again….but I am never giving up. I think it helps that I stay accountable by writing my monthly/weekly weight just so I keep track of what is going on. I think I can be a bit ostrich like when it comes to eating – pretending and being self-deceived that I’m really not having that much food/treats. Health is the goal of course but weight is this proxy that gives me a reality check and keeps me honest.
I am going to give more updates at least weekly now until we can get things going on a downward trend.
My plan is just to choose health and consistency. Try to workout (even a little a day) and keep the veggies front and centre as well as staying away from sugar. This week was a downward trend because I was focusing on these things…then of course yesterday, I missed my workout and the next thing you know I am face deep in chocolate….lolz.
Everything seems to go hand in hand….the first big piece is reliance and daily walk with God. I find this has to happen for me to make any kind of progress and have peace.
Second much smaller but still important thing is performing some small amount of exercise.
Then if I can stay away from sugar and do some creative writing….I’m golden.
(yes I know I sound like a broken record🙂
The number is the same boring one for the last 3 reports but this number actually is pretty encouraging.
- Because I have not gained more!
- Because good things are taking shape…
Let me explain. This past week has been pretty awesome. I stayed off most starches and completely off all sugar for 6 days straight (what a miracle). I also exercised every day. And most exciting of all, I was encouraging others and getting support from them as well. I just decided to cheer on friends at church that I knew were also trying to healthify their lifestyle and they in turn have been texting encouragement to me. Also, a family member started a watsap group dedicated to healthy eating and invited me to join. It has been amazing getting the support and having some place to get inspiration and complain a bit as needed. I find talking about the bad choice also helps make it not a big deal instead of fuming about it in my own head and continuing to make bad choices.
(warning TMI ahead)
I am right in the middle of my menstrual cycle. Recently, I have noticed a pattern that the week after my period is probably my best in terms of making good and rational choices for myself and the two weeks before my period, I kinda lose it. So it is interesting to me that I started the downhill trend (unconciously of course yesterday) about 2 weeks before my next period. I think so much of what I think are concious choices are actually hormonally driven.
Anyway, my hope is that beginning awareness of how weak I am during this period will hopefully help me to safegaurd even further.
I truly believe with this new support and new awareness, we will be looking at a loss for September.
Better late than never right?
So things stayed pretty much the same…about 163.5 ish. It has been a roller coaster of a month to be honest. I’m actually really grateful that it has stayed relatively the same. To have kept off those pesky 5 pounds that piled on last year is such a relief.
So what has been causing me to stagnate? It is a mental battle. When I stumble, I really sometimes just throw the towel in and just say forget it and start sneaking food and doing all sorts of crazy things. I really wish I could stop having such a black and white thinking about the process….I have discussed earlier how I feel that for me moderation is not workable with sugar….so that is black and white isn’t it? so how do I deal with the times that I am practicing eating well and I inevitably stumble…how do I be gentle with myself and just make the best decision in the next opportunity? instead of falling down a self-defeating rabbit hole of hiding out and bad feelings. This is what I am trying to figure out.
One answer is social connection. If I can talk to someone about it right away and just even TALK about the stress or situation that led to the ‘stumble’, I think that helps a lot. I often don’t reach out because the craving monster hits strong and I’m actually not ready to stop quite yet. BUT that is SO counterproductive and I keep going in circles and circles and cycles through the same happenings. I need to learn to just connect and pick myself up ASAP. This requires perseverance and charachter – 2 things I’m sorely lacking.
Weight loss is definitely going to have taught me that if nothing else.
(what I have written above is pretty crappy and vague and half-hearted ….but in the spirit of renouncing perfectionism…I’m publishing it)
I know we are a third of the way into June, but I wanted to update my fellow weight warriors (imaginary since no one reads this blog but whatevs😉 on where I am at.
On June 1st the unthinkable happened…after a month of struggles, I was ‘rewarded’ with a 1 pound weight gain. (163 pounds) Honestly, this memo from my weight scale sent me on a tailspin for a few days, hence the silence on this here blog.
I mean c’mon people? I am asking for just a measley 2 pound loss after one month of at least most days putting up a fight, ya know what i mean? And I didn’t even technically maintain? (although really 1 pound change is really nothing to get my panties in a knot over considering the usual fluctuations of a woman’s weight) Yeah, I was upset even though I knew I should not be.
As I have been somewhat mindlessly self-destructing over the past few days, I have been circling back to my relationship with God. April was a month that I really focussed on my relationship with God and that focus helped me to find the strength to deal with my stress and make small choices that ended in victory. In May, buoyed by my new-found success, I was more or less trying to do things on my own strength….I was even planning a post about what was contributing to my current success (the 5 pound loss in May) and connection with God was not really at the forefront of my mind. You bet it is now. “Apart from me you can do nothing” Jesus said. True words for me in my life for sure.
Please don’t think I am suggesting that God is some genie in a bottle that you get to rub and have a tit for tat relationship(as in if you worship me, I will give you that or help you lose weight)….I don’t believe in that kind of transactional relationship with God at all. I am just sharing my honest experience that connection with God is the source of all real strength and change for me. Truly if that meant not another pound of weight loss ever again, I would still want and desire that connection with God. While frustrating, there is truly nothing more important and I do find life really pointless without Him. I guess in June, I once again lost sight of the fact that I was using the journey of weight loss as a tool to build my character and get me closer to him….NOT using him as a tool to achieve weight loss. That I was leaning more toward the latter was clear in that I so quickly abandoned my times with him once I started tasting sweet success in the weight loss. Embarrassing but true. Thank goodness God quickly showed me the error of my ways and reminded me again of how depressing and lonely life is without him….not only because of the lack of weight loss (or not at all because of that) but because of how pointless things were without Him…..and with Him, all things can be sweet. Amazing but true. May God continue to humble me and show me that everything is all about His glory not mine.
I was asking my husband recently whether he thought it looked like I had lost weight. He told me that it is not about the weight. It is about health and my long term avoidance of diabetes (runs in both sides of my family), etc.
I know, I know…but. Losing weight and feeling my clothes fit better and looser is such an exciting and rewarding feedback. The health stuff is so nebulous. Frankly, although I was/am a little (approx 50 lbs) overweight my conventional(as in cholestrol, blood sugar) health numbers were absolutely stellar (even better than my superfit and younger husband’s cholestrol check up). So I cannot really look for improvement there to get some rewarding feedback for the denial of sugar that I am trying to continue.
In a previous post I wrote about some of the benefits of going sugar free for me (maybe I need to go back and read it?)…weight loss was just one of many. But it is concrete and measurable and so easy to track unlike my mood or even sleep….(both of the latter two have not been that great of late)
So I am going to try to focus on the NSV’s (non scale victories) for encouragement that I am going in the right direction. Changes I would like to see:
- better mood
- more energy
- better sleep
- do a full pushup
- when I wake up not to feel groggy but energized for the day
- feeling/getting stronger
Recently my mood has been so bad and I feel so bloated and big. Not really sure why that is. I did do a quick peek on the scale (oops!) and thankfully at least I’m maintaining at 162.5 so not sure why I feel so big and don’t feel like my clothes are looser like I did when I started losing weight (within 2 weeks I seriously felt and saw a difference in my weight).
Hmmm…I kinda feel bad literally navel gazing on the internet about my weight when other people have actual, serious problems in life. My hope is that I can sort out my health/weight/food obsession and live my true purpose to help people. Is that naive?
First the number: 162 lbs
I know right??? Amazing!! OMGoodness. According to my very imprecise scale I have lost 5.5 pounds in one month. In all my years of weightlossing, I have never had such a big loss to report…mainly because I have always tried to do things on a weekly basis before. It really is so gratifying and encouraging to take this longer viewed approach.
Mind you, I did cheat throughout the month and snuck a few peaks at my weight when I just could not wait the seemingly endless days to that May 1st date. I really wanted to know how things were going. However, I kept coaching myself that all I was looking for was a 2 lb loss and I would be happy with that. That kept me from kinda losing my mind when I saw 165.5 even a week and a half ago. If I had been looking for a bigger loss by the end of the month, such a number would have really been discouraging. So glad I have managed my expectations so that I can persevere through.
I guess this goes to show you how much losing weight is such a personal thing and you really need to get to know yourself to be successful. I have learned/am learning how EASILY I can get discouraged and feel like I am going nowhere in weightloss. This fact has seen me throw in the towel on SO many attempts at losing weight because I was looking for change over the course of a week and sometimes the scales just don’t move in such a short period of time. Giving myself a month AND a very minimal goal, guarantees a victory, which I am learning, I really, really need to keep it together. In a mere week you could have a stall or some bloating or a bad day and be thrown off your game. A month is a long enough chunk to see the general trend, while still being short enough that you have a good idea of what is going on. I like it!
So definitely I will only be reporting my weight again on June 1st….and I will continue to be looking for that 2 lb loss again!
Btw, do I think this is just 5 pounds and should be more? Well you are talking to a woman who was expecting just 2 pounds lost and had only lost a measly 2 pounds for the month of March….so actually I am pretty CRAZY ECSTATIC about 5 lbs being lost for April. Seriously, over the MOON. If I take a moment to compare myself with other weight loss stories around the web then sure it seems like nothing…but you know what? I just don’t care. I have no desire to compare and I am just pleased as punch