So just to keep record, I’m posting my almost 7 mos pregnant weight up there.  I have absolutely no problem with gaining weight during this period but I do find myself struggling when I make poor nutritional choices.  I mean me nor little person (what I call the baby) needs sugar the way I take it in…..I was beating the sugar addiction/habit there for awhile but recently it is like every day I indulge in my OVERLY sweet tooth.  For example, two nights ago I I found myself up at midnight devouring a Ben & Jerry’s container that I had gotten for *FREE* with a coupon (said coupon found on a Fibre One cereal box – how’s that for mixed messages? And then today 2 glasses of extra sweet hot chocolate. 

I don’t like what this does to my health much less the health of a little person who has no choice but to go along with the poor health decisions of its mother.  How can I continue my judging of parents smoking around their kids when I am making some very questionable choices myself?  (not that I should be self-righteous or judge anyone mind you - meant more tongue in cheek!)

Anyway, this next week and 2 mos plus that I am carrying this child, I have decided to change this nutritional ship around.  Ahoy mateys!

Of course it really helps if I just deal with stuff and make decisions and not let things pile up at all.

…..so recently I tackled a pile of letters that had been sitting around for 1.5 years (yes, you are right…I have a major problem!!…I know!).  These particular envelopes, I had set aside because I felt there would be a lot of stuff in them that would make me feel anxious, demand I make decisions or do some leg/grunt work…..guess what?  There was a cheque (which of course was now too old to cash in there for 50 bucks!) and then another bill which when I quickly reviewed ended up I was owed almost 4000$ dollars…..not petty change by any stretch right?  Wow….so of course especially with the new baby coming this money would come in MIGHTY HANDY.  After kicking myself swiftly in the rear for not addressing these issues 1.5 years ago, I got on the phone for a few weeks trying to get back all this money.  How do you explain to someone you misplaced a cheque or hadn’t followed up on what you were owed for such a period of time?  Very lucky for me, both companies were relatively easy to deal with and I was able to finally secure all the money owed to me…..but it could have very easily gone the other way if these companies had refused (because of the delay) OR gone bankrupt or whatever….

It hit home to me big time ONCE AGAIN, how much less time, energy and stress and savings….(all equalling better quality of life) you have when you take the time up front to be organized and careful about your affairs.  Yeah it is a bit of stress and hardship to deal with issues and problems upfront BUT it will only get worse with time if you try to hide from them or let it pile up.

I never thought when tackling my clutter piles that I would end up with such a financial gain….but I suspect that if I continue to do this I will find other such windfalls and sadly – missed opportunities.  (e.g. if only I had sold this electronic device on Craig’s list 2 years ago, it would have been worth something, OR “oh yeah I was saving this piece of pottery for Susie cause she collects them but now she’s moved away’ OR ‘here is that hammer I bought…if I’d known it was here, I wouldn’t have gotten another one to clutter up my space’….etc.

Moral of the Story:  DEAL AND HEAL or DELAY AND PAY. (I just made that up right now but it is mighty clever itdn’t?

But today I stopped this automatic response of mine and asked myself the simple question, ‘why?’ why do I feel this way about meeting this person?” Why should something  that should be enjoyable (meeting a friend for lunch) be such a chore?”

Okay, just a small pause here….this is kinda revolutionary stuff for a compliant, smile to the world and be happy kinda girl like me.  To acknowledge and question negative feelings is not something I really do….I am much more likely to pretend it is not there.  It is too uncomfortable…it hints at something missing, something being wrong, and I am too afraid to usually face these things.

I have much more exploring to do but I realized that I was feeling too tired to be the person that I had decided my friend wanted me to be/thought I was.  I had a certain image I wanted to project a certain way I wanted her to think and I was feeling too tired to be that for her, help her with that…..even though my friend never asked it of me (nor does she have the right to).  I had taken responsibility for her feelings, her reactions…when they were NOT my responsibility…hence feeling overwhelmed by them…..no shoulder can carry the burden of another’s complete well-being….we can help, aid support each other but only to a certain extent.

I am grateful I at least took the time to dig a little.  I need to do a lot more of that….I feel a swirl of all sorts of other things in my heart around this matter but I can’t really define it right now.  Let’s leave it at ‘need to get more honest and explore this”  I feel so clueless about me.

It made me reflect on how easily we can be caught up in believing that the characteristics of those following God are God.  People flock to churches with interesting or fun or inspiring leaders or they give up on their faith because of a breach of trust perpetuated by a supposed follower of God.  Yes we are supposed to be ‘ambassadors of Christ’ but it is fact that even those sincerely following are far far far from the perfection of God and that many twist and corrupt the teachings of Christ for their own purposes and justifications.

These days good or bad, inspiring or not, I try to look at all people with a lot of grace.  No matter how good and inspiring someone is or bad they are, ultimately they fall short of God – period.  God’s goodness is completely true and independent of his creation…  Do not worship a man because he seems so amazing nor should we curse God because a man is bad.  The goodness of a man only speaks to how much he has chosen to reflect God’s glory and vice versa.    These choices of man do not negate or take away from God’s goodness.

Birthdays are one of those arbitrary dates in our calender like New Year’s Day or the first of the month or Monday’s where it can feel pyschologically like an opportunity for a fresh start or a time for reflection.  Resolutions can be made and begun – you have a convenient start date.  I’m not sure how valid such artificial start points are but for it certainly gives us a line in the sand so I’ll go with it…

I spent time considering what I want for my 3(cough)th bday.  More than anything?  Authenticity.  Honesty.  If I’m not focussing hard on this state of being and to be honest…well it has a butterfly-like elusiveness to it that finds me truly lost. 

How can you possibly relate sanely to a world with all its chaotic and twisted messages thrown at you incessantly if you don’t know who you are?  As I mature as a person, I realize more and more how important it is to be honest.  So that is what I will be working on this year.

Initially I lost weight (as many women do) because of sickness and tiredness but I was worried when after those initial three mths I was still not really gaining the 1 pound of week recommended.  It was actually kinda freaking me out…(strange for someone who has always wanted to lose weight!).  Anyway, I found out through research that if you are significantly overweight (I was about 30-40 lbs overweight at the beginning of pregnancy) and if you eat healthy and keep exercising you may actually not gain much weight or even lose some because your body has evolved to be that ingenious – it understand that you already have the needed extra weight for childbirth and nursing so it doesn’t need to pack more on….and for me having my stomach squished, getting heart burn often, having a higher metabolism with the body wanting baby-making calories, and wanting to eat healthy for the child has resulted in a net loss so far in weight.

Since a normal weight woman is supposed to gain between 25 lbs – 40 lbs, I guess someone who is overweight to begin with can probably get away with only gaining 15 lbs or so….so that is sorta my goal.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention whatsoever of compromising nutrients my child and body needs for the sake of weight management….I just think it is interesting to observe how my body reacts in this baby-hosting escapade.  I will just continue trying to be healthy as I can in my habits…for the sake of me and of course for ‘little person’ (as I like to call he/she)

I think of this today because I read recently in Henry Cloud’s book “9things you simply must do” that every relationship you ever have will fail if you are simply fair.  If you are fair that means ‘tit for tat’…”if you are good to me then I will be good to you.”  Here’s the problem…you are in relationships with sinners/imperfect people.  They are going to fail you (guaranteed!) (and double surprise, YOU are going to fail them) If you are just being fair, then you have every right to cut them and shut them out…..and thus you end up with no one around you…..To really love and stay in relationship we have to have a lot of grace AND NEED a lot of grace.  If you keep a record of wrongs either way or act according only to how the other acts….well, get used to your own company….cause you are going to be alone ALOT.

I argued that children actually need only a bare minimum in terms of material things but that they could have incredibly rich lives if their parents provided the essentials of life (food, shelter, etc.) and much love and engagement with them personally.  Is a child any less edified by a book loaned from a library rather than one they own?

ANYWAY, he then went on to argue that a big house and flashy car was necessary because ‘it made him feel bad’ when his cousin (the doctor) would come driving up the driveway in his new BMW or he drove his sedan to events and parked them next to friends’ Benz’s.  (obviously this guy is well connected as most of my friends don’t even have cars but I digress…;)

….but maybe it is not a digression.  I mean if your friends have values or standards that don’t mesh with yours, maybe it is time to evaluate why you are friends with these people?  If you genuinely enjoy their company but it just so happens that they make much more money or like nice cars (and thus prioritize this in their spending), it is time to take a look inside and ask why you are so insecure about yourself.  (I do wish I had told the guy this at the time but I did not think of it at the time)  Once you really know your values and who you are, what others have or do becomes less and less important.

This guy has made up a very reasonable EXCUSE about why he doesn’t go after his exciting dream of working abroad and doesn’t fulfill the desire to work in developmental economics.  He has a family and thus is stuck….but is he really.  I daresay that if he were to structure his life and prioritze those dreams, he would have much less time and energy to be envious of others’ beamers.

When I find myself envious and unhappy over others’ success/happiness/possessions/life, I can usually find the source in the fact that I am not living my dreams and going after what I want.  If I did, I would be much too caught up and exhilarated by my life to be evnious of others.  They are going after what? well good for them!! I say…so am I.

Yes, you read that right.  Thought I would share.  Not exactly planned but still very welcome twist in our newlywed life. 

I had always said that if I ever had the good fortune to be a parent (a dimming reality as the years were passing), I wanted the child to actually be raised by their parent (either myself or my partner) on a full time basis, at least until they were old enough for school.  I really loved having my mom with me all the time growing up and am really glad I did not have to face the trauma of separating from her in my early years in daycares.  You’re probably right that I would have adapted in the same way millions of children do every day, but still, I’m glad I did not have to.

I guess it is easy for me to say now without the reality of the little person being in out of uterus, driving me bonkers and ‘needing’ so much…..and me without the refreshment of meaningful adult company for hours on end.  I really don’t know how I will cope as the entire experience is new to me.  BUT STILL, I hold this ideal dear to my heart.  No one will care for or love my child the way I (or my husband) would (except maybe my mom, the child’s grandmother).  I defy anyone to say otherwise.  I am the person who can provide this child with the most loving care (if not always the most experienced)

While I doubt that most peole would argue the last point with me, the common resistence I have experienced in my viewpoint has been that ‘that’s nice if you can AFFORD it.’  ….and here my hackles rise.  While I fully acknowledge that there are many people who simply cannot afford to stay home to take care of infant children (e.g. single parents or those in very meagerly paying jobs), there are also many who are deceived (consciously or unconciously) that they have a lack of choice because of a lack of money.  I argue many parents cannot afford to give their children those valuable first years at home with them, due to the (most often unconcious) choices they have made as opposed to the lack of money.

Now these choices might even be based on their kids:  They have chosen to have a bigger home in which the kids can have a backyard and their own bedrooms, maybe be in a better neighborhood (with better schools), drive a safer car, etc. and pay the price with both parents having to work to pay the mortgage and that car payment.  They may decide that going on family vacations once a year and/or paying for summer camps is more valuable then those early years at home with a child. 

OR, these choices may be based on other things such as wanting to have the newest, flashiest TV set.

Regardless, I wish that most people in North America would wake up and realize that we are so wealthy and have so much more control over how we live our lives than many of us conciously realize.  You can afford many more things than you realize, IF you understand your priorities and are committed to them.  I wish more people would realize that staying at home with their child is a possibility instead of just staring at me shocked and then grumbling how one could possibly afford such a thing from a bygone era.  They would just have to make some tough choices (about cable TV) or the size of their home and what to have dinner every night (beans, anyone?) – all based on what they truly value.  Another key strategy is creativity regarding lifestyle when money is really tight.  For example, I know one single mother who chose to be a nanny when her little girl was young and made a deal to care for the family’s children along with her own in exchange for a small salary, room (in an excellent neighborhood) and board.  Some would argue that she sacrifcied some key ‘ladder-climing’ (and earning potential) years by making a move like that but I can tell you that she has no regrets as she enjoys a close relationship with her teenage daughter to this day and cherishes the memory of those precious and quickly-gone baby years.

Please don’t take this semi-rant to mean that if you truly believe that what is best for your child is two career-focussed, dynamic active people who love their careers and hence their life is the best example and parent for their child, that one should then quit such a lifestyle and stay home with your kid.  I honestly don’t think if you are miserable at home caring for your child and would be happier with the balance of career thrown in that this would be best for your child.(and I also mentioned there are definitely a group of people out there who cannot cut down already bare bones budget any further) BUT too may people think they are of the latter category and/or never think about the choices they are making around these things.  They wistfully say that they ‘wish’ they had money so they could do ‘X’.  It is to those people that I am just making a call out for CONCIOUS living….are the lives of those around you or our CRAZY media which more subversively then we realize, dictating your choices?  I beg you (and myself) not to let ‘them’ push us around like this. 

It is a lie that everyone needs  a car that every child needs their own bedroom to be well-adjusted – or even more deeply, that what you have determines your worth. Start really asking questions of yourself and your life about what you really value and whether such values are reflected in your life.  You might be surprised by what you find.

….and now to pull in my non-parent readers (hey bob! , the astute amongst you already realize that the same principal applies to any and all areas of our lives.  If you have always dreamed of going to Australia and seeing the great barrier reef  or volunteering once a week at an orphanage or writing a book….then why haven’t you?  Really?  I certainly hope it is not because of the lack of money.  (we will have to deal with other excuses in another post)

Let your values dictate your life…not the other way around.  I am far from this ideal myself…but I hope and pray for myself and you dear readers that we can change the direction of this boat….otherwise we will look back with regrets.

It got me to thinking about this little blog of mine.  I am actually someone who would readily say that I enjoy writing even though I rarely do it – sadly.  That was the purpose of beginning this blog and that purpose continues to exist.

….and albiet a brief stint so far, it has been quite *quite* edifying.  I strongly  suspect that without this blog I would have still been caught up in a very bad relationship/non-relationship with an unhealthy indvidual.  Writing through those moments gave me some *MUCH* needed clarity….and I have never looked back.  Although I wasn’t blogging at the time, strangely enough, journalling had saved me previously  from an earlier relationship too.  (Moral of the story:  don’t stop writing or I’ll be in trouble!

I like the way the author (joshua from www.becomingminimalist.com) ends his post:  “Remember, you don’t need to blog as a means to get rich or as a means to gather a huge following. You don’t even need to blog as a means to change the Internet… the change that a blog will cause in your life is reason enough.” (emphasis mine)

Very true for me.