As promised: Poetry (1)

The Sanj;  she went, she saw and she conquered. 

I have come to report to you from the world of Spoken Word Poetry….it was a blast of an evening as I heard some great artists perform and the Sanj herself got up there and threw in her 2 cents of poemy goodness (??).

I did not progress beyond the first stage of competition (12 randomly drawn poets competing)….but I was happy to have taken the stage at all…I was definitely a bit nervous after hearing how great the others were…BUT then I realized this is all for fun AND there was no point in being negative…Here’s one of my poems:

“The last birthday card I gave you spoke of our shared history, our unique past because we were both raised by our parents. Maybe that we get along because they never got along. An explanation for our strangeness, our derangedness, our you-can’t-changedness. We were their life’s work, their contribution, their rendition. Meant to outshine, outlast, outlive, outdance, outBE But it was not to BE The only out was lights out when the glow in your eyes was pressed out, crushed out, by death’s indifferent fingertips, unsinged by its unholy act. The Big C you called it, That cancer that swiped your life, like a brazen thief Who came through the front door uninvited and left through the back with you in tow. Soon after losing you, I saw them on the bus. 2 little girls minding their own business but I couldn’t help but stare One, tall, slender, bossy…just like you The other, chubby, smiley, distracted….just like me. Just like us. Just like us, two very different peas in a pod, an anomaly, just like you and me. A bus full of humanity Pretending not to see my face full of longing My gaze full of tears Looking at girls full of our yesterday. I sat on the curb that night after the bus dropped me off Raging against God because of his seeming unfairness Others hated their sisters, yet got to keep them You were my best friend, CORRECTION, ARE my best friend, …and I couldn’t keep you. I used to hate that I could fool everyone in the room but you… Now I wish someone, ANYONE would call my bluff. I forget what it is to be known that well. Just like you taught me how to eat with my mouth closed, You taught me that tears lose their saltiness when you cry enough. Can anyone else share with me, bear with me the gift and weight of our past? Now I’m a one-man caravan without a compass. I used to think if I didn’t have you as true north I could go east or west or at least south…but it turns out you got to know which way is up to dig yourself out. A decade now without you, the you that was supposed to be there every day. 10 years, and most days I don’t recall your hole in my universe. Your dying got me thinking, got me living. “No regrets, no regrets”, slides easily off people’s lips. Why then do they sink deeply into grudges like footprints in concrete, getting harder by the hour? Why forget to call your mother and leave discord when parting with another? Life’s too short for the grip of bitterness, too long for the hold of the past. That last birthday card spoke of the exclusive club of siblinghood where no new members are allowed, So though I am grateful for your life and have come to accept your loss, I know… No one will ever get me, like you got me.”

My proudest moment

My proudest moment occurred back in Grade 9….over half my life ago..:).. it’s a good story anyway, so here goes;

Being the little nerd I was, I was SUPER worried about being forced to take Grade 9 gym (phys.ed).  I was the kid who would always ‘forget’ their clothes, or fake an injury so I could sit out.  I didn’t like moving around or getting sweaty (and we wonder why the weight problem later in life? . I exasperated many a Gym teacher with my constant scheming & whining…

Then came GRADE NINE….and I would have to take this class and it would be on my PERMANENT TRANSCRIPT for university consideration.  Obviously no one was around to let me know that universities wouldn’t care less how a student did in grade 9 gym.  At that time, the challenge of gym was a looming, horrible hurdle that I had to leap over on my way to university glory.  No, seriously, it kept me up at night, people.

ANYWAY, as the year began, I made a decision.  I decided I was going to tell myself I loved gym with all my heart.  I was going to fake it till I made it.  Every class I would be there on time and dressed and try my darndest….I would literally walk into that changeroom every day chanting (yes, chanting) under my breath about how I LOVE gym…love it.  Oh the joy!! Oh the fun to be had in gym class!  I knew it wasn’t true but I just squashed the naysaying thoughts and charged out every class with a totally positive spirit.

Now, with all those years of only exercising my mind in class (as in how to get excused from gym) and not my skills or co-ordination, my performance left MUCH to be desired.   But guess what?????????????

I had the shock of my life when a, I, THE SANJ, was given an award for highest grade in girls Grade 9 gym.  How’s that for the power of positive thinking/attitude?????  I could NOT believe my ears when I heard.  One of the disappointed (truly) athletic girls  actually had me on a to-beat-up list for a few days until she realized what a wimp I was and considered me not worthy of her fists.

I was never prouder of myself than through that experience.  I put my game face on and toughed that gym class every day like I was some kind of storm trooper.  I gritted my teeth and dug down into reserves I never knew I had.  The amazing thing is that whatever I connected to and brought out earned me an accolade I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams.

(Now to be fair, there were some sections of health education (non-physical,nerd stuff) which I aced which certainly helped get that grade….but STILLLLLL…)

This experience teaches me to never underestimate myself….and the unbelievable power of having the right attitude.

TMF Nov 19/09 – 163.4

Failure – FAILURE – Failure – Failed! 

(this is what I am tempted to feel since I not only didn’t reach my goal…I went a few pounds in the opposite direction…argh!!)

If you have been following the ever winsome tales of my well-covered friend Morris, then you will notice that the last few weeks have been an upward trend….NOW, am I discouraged?  Honestly, yeah….and in celebration of the defeat I ate 2 MCD susauge & egg mcstuffins [sic] (for those unaware, that’s a cool way of denoting I delibrately made a mistake or something like that) hash brown, a donut and a large hot chocolate.  I was full after the doughnut (had to look up and use the British spelling…even if I ate at Mickey Dees…I haven’t completely sold my Canadian soul to the devil!) but I just kept stuffing the food in because a) it tasted good and b) it allowed me to zone out and just focus on the eating.  (weird the last part huh?  I’ll need to explore that another time…) 

Even though I tired to pray, I felt so distracted…..but you know what? Failure is NOT an option.  All the things that I am attempting to overcome is what life is all about….God has already won me every victory in Christ and it is only Satan (the Father of Lies) who tries to make me feel like a failure. 

Honestly (I have to keep using the word ‘honestly’ because it reminds me to be honest…hehe…hard for me!) I haven’t been very respectful of my body or emotions in the last few weeks.  I love working out…it is the what-is-going-on-in-my-mind (thoughts) and what-I-put-in-my-mouth (aka eating) part that gets me going in this upward direction. 

Next week my goal will be to be down 2 pounds to 161.4 and I’m giving myself a reward when I get there.  Hard for me to choose a reward…because I’m so saintly (or spoil myself way too much!…I can’t decide which??), there is not a whole that I want or need (other than a chocolate bar anytime, anywhere).  Since the latter would defeat the purpose of my behaviour modification experimenting with rewards, I’m going to have to be creative about how to reward myself.  (ooohh…an evening reading in bed…!! that sounds fun….I’ll let you guys know next week what I decided upon WHEN I reach my goal

So here’s to a priority keeping, journaling, butt-kicking exercising, being honest and real WEEK….(upwards…(or should I say:) downwards and onwards!)

 

 

 

The love of a mother

It was my mom’s birthday over the weekend….so I decided to write a tribute post to my mom (in case yesterday’s wasn’t enough…hehe):

I once asked my mom when she started loving me, her child.  Was it when she first saw my face or held me for a bit…or when??  (yeah, I ask precocious questions like that….:)  She said she started loving me when she first realized that she was a girl and that girls become women who have babies.   She loved me since becoming aware of the possibility of my existence when she was just a wee little girl…

…..isn’t that the most beautiful answer, EVER??  (yeah, my mom is precocious like that!)

On Having No Regrets…

People often tell me that I am a kind person.  I attribute this fact to  three major things;

1. knowing and experiencing God’s abundant, unconditional, gracious  love (’nuff said…;)

2. the gentle love of my mother:  My parents were not great discplinarians…and I struggle with discipline to this day because of that…BUT I never doubted their love for me….In 1st Peter 4:8, God says that ‘love covers over a multitude of sins’….I have found that to be true.  I’m SO grateful for the love shown me…for their sacrifices, their attention & care.  My parents, in particular my mom,  demonstrated what love was…so that I’m able to share that now.

 3. the death of my sister:  One day during the illness that would eventually claim her life, she asked me if I needed her.  I broke down crying because I realized just HOW much I needed her.  She was quite surprised and gratified to see my flood of emotions.  I was always so matter of fact and calm around her she had no idea about how deep my feelings were when faced with losing her….Honestly, I was surprised too.  When she died, this simple exchange where I had honestly expressed how much she meant to me provided a great deal of comfort.  At least I had told her…at least she had known, how much I loved her.

Because of my experience with my sister, when I interact with people, I am often reminded that this could be my last memory with them.  In as much as it is within my power, I want to leave love and kindness as I part with them….so there will be no regrets.

TMF – Nov12/09 – 160.8

Today’s lesson cost me $4000 dollars ….(and I’m still learning it)…BUT I’ll share it with you guys for FREE.  What a steal of a deal, dear readeroos! 

Last August (2008), I decided to get ’serious’ about getting fit and  hired a   personal trainer.  As you may have realized through reading, I struggle mightily with indecision and inaction…especially when it comes to time   &   financial committments.  Personal training can easily be a major committment of both.  To combat my fear issues, I forced myself to make a major investment of $4000 dollars for a year’s worth of sessions.  I figured I would just eat beans and rice  and nix major vacationing to make up any financial shortfall. 

Here’s what I learned: 

1.  Be humble enough to be honest (hey..wait a second..didn’t I ‘learn’ this one before? :  I didn’t want to seem like one of ‘those’ people who just care about losing weight (part of not wanting to admit there is a problem or concern) so I kinda hemmed and hawed my way through the process of finding the appropriate trainer.  I *wanted* a really tough (perferrably) male (hey…I figured I would try harder to impress..hehe) trainer…and I ended up with a trainer who was very nice but certainly did not put my feet to the fire.  I think she would have been more than capable of doing so, I just never asked for what I really wanted.   All throughout the year I could have spoken up, but I chose not to because of my pride, cowardice and people pleasing.

2.  Rarely does throwing money around work as a long term solution:  Whether it is about getting out of debt or getting fit, etc, rarely does buying something solve the internal problems that go along with outward manifestations that we experience.  I’m not suggesting personal training is bad – not at all – but it is just one part of the solution that must be approached with the proper mindset.  I looked at it as the panacea…I wanted my trainer to take responsibility when regardless of the amount of dough (4000$ argh!!  I’m dropping, I need(ed) to take responsiblity.  This is a difficult lesson in our world which shouts constantly that you will be more attractive, slimmer, richer etc…..If you just buy “THIS“.  Truth be told, even debt problems cannot be truly resolved with money.  Things must change inside for your external situation to be permanently changed. 

So….. 

 Did I get a better body?  Aesthetically/Visually, not really.  Although  I can do 12  ( girl )  pushups in a row  now.  My previous was 3 in a row….progress!

 (and of course the question the answer to which you’ve been waiting: Did I eat beans & rice?  Not really….hehe.  Let’s just say, financially it was not a wise year. 

Word to the wise….

 

To make a man fall in love…

 

…(short answer) you can’t.

 

Hehe….alright well, some women have this ability on really, really well.  I’m just not one of them.

 

I really don’t and quite frankly from what I see of it (not to be arrogant about it), I don’t want to…I notice though that men really love damsels in distress who cannot care for themselves.  I sometimes feel like I have to be less of myself to attract a man….Isn’t there a man who appreciates strengths in a woman?  I think you have to be a really courageous guy to be able to deal with that…

 

A guy that I’m very close with and whom I respect alot told me that in his romantic relationship he feels intimidated by her strength, the fact that she challenges him…but sometimes he just doesn’t feel up to the task. He’s not used to being challenged (really just by who she is) and called higher dating her….he appreciates it and loves her immensely…(and it doesn’t hurt that he thinks she’s the most beautiful woman in the world…and maybe that’s where the crux of the matter lies anyway…;)….but he says he really had to grow to a point where he could be in a relationship with her…

 

So I guess that is what I have set my sights on …. a brave man…. a courageous man…. not that I believe I am oh so amazing…just ***trying*** to live courageously myself in my little corner of the world….would love a partner in the endeavour.

brilliant minds needed

I spent the day listening to very intelligent people talk about estate and tax planning.  The material was SO complex, dense and convoluted.  Ultimately all this work, thinking, conferencing (some have invested their entire lives on this consulting work)  has the goal of helping rich people stay rich.

What would happen if these brilliant minds used their powers to help the world be a more equitable place? 

(eek….by the very fact that I was there today…I’m one of them…so I pose the question to the only person to whom I can realistically and sanely expect a response/action….MYSELF….”dum,dum,dum”…)

Creative Risk #1

 

A dark haired 22 yr old whirlwind has dropped into my life in the form of a new roomate.  There are many cool things about her but I want to focus on the fact that she is a spoken word artist. I had only ever vaguely heard of this type of performance art…apparently often it is just a catch all for that which does not fit into the traditional categories developed by who knows who knows what??

 

After hearing some of the stuff, I realized this is something I want to do SO  I will be performing in the middle of November at my first ’slam’ (poetry reading?? hehehe). 

WHY?   I am  labelled ‘the actor’ in the Meyers-Briggs personality types (16 in total) and this personality test has pegged me correctly.  When I’m in a social situation, my instinct is to entertain.  I need a stage, people.  SERIOUSLY….this blog is NOT enough to sustain or contain me….;)  During major heartbreak in my life a couple of years ago, what pulled me through, what got me stepping again was being part of a theatre production.  I have passion, a love for it…nothing so heart rendering as motivation this time BUT still want to get back with it.

An interesting cultural note about spoken word competitions…apparently in North America this art form rose in the 1990’s specifically from NYC…but apparently such poetry competitions have gone on for centuries in India….maybe that’s why my blood leaped with excitement over this creative endeavour?  This art form of ‘my people’ is calling to me…

If I get any kind of positive response (or even if I don’t) you poor blog reader guinea pigs will get to read the poems recited that night.  I’ll even try to get a live recording on here for you….considering my luditeness…don’t hold your breath!

 

TMF – Nov 6/09 – 158.4

I never really understood the whole contraception debate in Christian circles.  I mean what’s the big deal?  What’s wrong with preventing the possibility of a child via  a condom/IUD (ignoring the pill considering the rumored hormonal havoc caused), etc.?

… then I hung out with some Catholic folks and started reading Pope John Paul II’s writings on contraception.  It was so beautiful & succinct that I wish I could reproduce it here but after searching the internet extensively (15 minutes…:) and not finding it, I’ll just provide a stumbling, faltering poor recitation of its gist which I’m sure misrepresents his position but anyway here goes; 

Human sexuality is intended primarily as a spiritual experience.  The physical aspects is a tangible echo of spiritual realities coming to fruition.  In it man and woman have the privilege to participate in  the divine processes of unification AND creation.  The act is powerful and sacred…and wholly God’s.  God’s to choose how to use it, to create a new life and/or to join the hearts of the participants even closer.  To take away or separate anything from this act would be to make it less than it was meant to be. By separating sexuality from its creative (via contraception) and spiritual (via having sex outside of holy matrimony) elements, the reverence by which it was made to be approached  is stripped. Taking away its consequences, means that it can be done anywhere, anytime with no awe for the power endowed it by the Creator.  And thus life is cheapened and sullied.

He goes on to say that even in marriage there should not be an unbridled approach to sexuality….that it should always be undertaken with care and honor towards the other person and respect for God’s creative power.  Even in marriage there should be discipline with regards to sex.

As a single Christian person, this is kinda tough to hear because I always think of marriage as the promised land in terms of self-control in the area of sexuality.  But every married person tells me that WHATEVER you struggled with before marriage; lust, loneliness,  addictions….will still be there the day after the wedding. 

So what does all this controversial stuff have to do with poor, innocent Morris?  Well, everything really.

Sometimes I think of watching what I eat and exercising as a discipline of the now, waiting for the promised land of chocolate fountains, carefully manicured lawns of layered baklava and giant lush trees bearing just-made donuts.  The reality it is that if I want to be in vibrant health for the rest of my life, then I have to be conscious and disciplined in how I treat and care for this body, this temple of God, for the rest of my life.  

FREEDOM, in direct opposition to the popular position, is not found in indulging in everything and anything at anytime with anyone.  What gives wings to my feet and puts a song on my heart is the ability to say no, the feeling of not being enslaved and distracted by desires or wants, by each movement of the wind, or by the pressing of the crowd.  To leave myself open to the higher orderings and callings of my mind as I’m transformed by my God.